my long term partner of five years (32) and I (28) recently opened our relationship at the end of January this year. We’d practiced play together openness in the past, and spent most of our time in monogamy, with the door always open to changing our relationship. I had experience with open relationships and solo Poly in the past, and did lots of work, reading and self examination to understand what I needed to feel safe. I was scared that opening would lay bare unprocessed issues, and it did.

The last few months have been so rough with his trauma being activated, attachment wounding coming up, how we’ve lost the loving connection and stability. my partner has decided we need to de-escalate, live separately, focus on healing our wounds and…maybe we can rebuild our relationship.

I feel broken, and even though we will remain partners and see each other maybe weekly, I’m scared to go through this process. my assurance, stability and belief in continuity has just gone overnight. I’ve stated how I do not want this and would like to continue being primary partners. This is not a possibility.

Our time practicing ENM hasn’t been perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have made mistakes and owned them. I believe my partner never forgave me for not wanting to close our relationship back in May, and I’m distraught that he feels as though I didn’t make him feel important enough as a primary partner. I believe he has never been fully comfortable with my connection to someone else. He has read my messages, looked at my phone several times.

One of our core agreements has been about hierarchy and love, that I love you is just for us. My partner read my diary where I was writing that I had potential romantic feelings for this person I have been seeing. I believe I’m in intense NRE but not romance after weighing it up, but this has ultimately tested us. He’s been certain that we want different things - that maybe I want love with others, which I’ve said I could theoretically imagine as an open hearted person but ultimately I only want love and romance with him.

Can you weigh in? Has anyone de-escalated before and come out the other side with a stronger connection to their partner? Have any of you de-escalated or stopped living with anchor partners and have any wisdom for getting through this with grace? I’m trying to respect the need for distance while also honouring my desire to repair me, us, and hold the uncertainty that is before me.