Yeah, that's fair. Like it sucks though -- I don't want to end the marriage, I just want to have an occasional break from it that I know is just a fantasy. If she had just let this run its course I would probably have gone back to monogamy eventually with zero resentment and quite a lot of appreciation.. It was insanely difficult for me to find someone given the constraints and I probably wouldn't have wanted to put in that effort again.

I don't feel like that's really true, or at least not really a fair portrayal. I had a very monogamous mindset 3-4 years ago, but when she came out as ace and said she didn't want sex and was tired of me asking, I was forced to completely deconstruct all of that. At the time she said sex never had emotional meaning to her, and I realized I had to adopt the same mindset.. And it took effort, but eventually I did, and worked up the nerve to find a FWB (something we had agreed to for quite some time at that point).

So now she has a change of heart but still basically tells me its not something she even wants except to strengthen our bond.. And like, now it doesn't even do that, and knowing that she's doing it out of some weird sense of obligation or competition just makes it worse.

I'm fine with her having someone else too. I even gave her way fewer restrictions than she placed on me (basically free reign as long as she's not neglecting her responsibilities at home).

I have been supportive of her spending time outside the house prior to this. For me it's a little more difficult because I have no friends (or at least none within 3000 miles) and it's nearly impossible to make friends as a man in my 40s. So I'm definitely the more socially isolated one. Ironically this FWB search has been the most effective way of making friends I've found, and I've tried a lot of things (meet ups, gaming groups, etc.)

As I said, the dates didn't have to be rare -- we could have gone any time during the day throughout the school year. She just didn't want to.

Anyway, yeah, I'm mostly just not happy about a.) the fact that she only decides to put in an effort when she's afraid she'll lose me, and b.) the fact that she thinks she'll lose me if i sleep with someone else.

Okay, first off: I said this many times in the other thread, but I don't want a romantic connection with my FWB (I'm probably aro myself -- I can act romantically when necessary, but never without feeling like I'm acting). It's just that I can't treat another human being as a hole to fuck -- I need to enjoy hanging out with them to at least some extent.

I do know a fair bit about asexuality. Her particular flavor is aegosexual. She says she's not sex-repulsed, but her historical behavior suggests otherwise. She's recently been more open, but this basically means she lets me hang out with her while she uses her toys. I do enjoy that, but it's a poor substitute for a sexual relationship.

I say "I love you" to her at least 15 times a day. We spend a fair bit of time hanging out after the kids go to bed, but dates are rare since we have no support network. That said, I work from home and she is a freelancer so we could have gone out most any time over the last 2 years while the kids were in school. I often suggested it, but she preferred to work instead.

So anyway, in the recent past (last 3 weeks or so) it's clear she's making an effort and she acknowledges that she was weird and distant towards me for a long time, etc. I appreciate all that, but it doesn't erase the 13 years where she didn't care at all about my wants or needs, and it doesn't address the core fact that she just doesn't feel attracted to me and thinks of sex as a sacrifice on her part.

It's like now she's trying to be what she thinks I wanted a decade ago, but I don't want her to be anything other than herself. I don't need sex from her to love her.