Hi everyone,

My partner (26M) and I (29F) have been together for 2 years. This is his first serious relationship, though I’ve had others in the past.

We fell in love fast and things progressed rapidly. After about 2 months, we had a devastating conversation where he expressed he wasn’t ready for monogamy. He asked me for permission to sleep with other women on a casual basis. I was very in love so I considered it for a few days even though the idea hurt me tremendously, but ultimately said no and suggested we break up.

He decided he didn’t want to lose me and that he’d rather be monogamous. The next several months were highly toxic and lacking in trust. If you are familiar with attachment theory, our dynamic was the classic avoidant/anxious trap. Not fun. Ultimately, I broke up with him after 5 months when I caught him using tinder.

When I left him, he decided to go to therapy. A few months later he reached out and told me he’d been working on himself and wanted to try again. After hearing what he had to say, I felt he was really putting in the work and we decided to get back together. We both continued with individual therapy, and we did couples therapy as well, which was immensely helpful at getting to the root of our problems.

Over the last year and a half our relationship has really flourished. Our sex life is fantastic, we communicate very openly, we have a deep respect for each other, we are super vulnerable, and we have learned a lot about how to love each other in the way we both need. We both feel strongly that we want to build a life together.

Regardless of all those positives, I have had some persistent low level anxiety because I have sensed that monogamy is still a struggle for him. I firmly believe he has not done anything outside our relationship since we got back together, but I have felt afraid that over the course of a lifetime he may end up cheating at some point.

Well, a few days ago he admitted that he wishes he could have a bit more “flexibility”. By that, he means permission to have an occasional hook up when we are not together. For context, we travel full-time so we are usually together 24/7, but there are periods where we are separated for 1-2 months.

He said it was very hard to tell me but that betraying me before was the biggest mistake of his life, and he never wants to hurt me like that again. He hopes that by being completely honest and open with each other it will be possible for us to have a healthy, happy relationship but where there is room for the occasional sexual experience with someone else.

My initial reaction was that we should break up, because I saw our values as incompatible. However, after extensive discussion and thought, I am feeling a bit torn. Although we discussed an open relationship before, this time feels a bit different because we have a much more solid foundation and deeper trust as a starting point.

On one hand, I don’t want to disrespect myself and my values by forcing myself into something I’m not comfortable with.

On the other hand, I wonder if there might be tremendous potential for personal growth if we were to move forward with this and succeed.

Due to childhood trauma, I have issues with jealousy and feeling like I have to be perfect. I feel like if I am not everything my partner needs at all times, I will be abandoned.

I also have pretty significant self esteem issues when it comes to my appearance. By societal standards I am objectively attractive, but my body type is different from what my partner usually goes for, and that makes me feel really insecure.

My biggest issue with this whole arrangement is feeling like I am inferior to the women he would be sleeping with, since I know they would look different than me, and are going to be more of his usual “type”.

However, part of me wonders if this arrangement - assuming we navigate it correctly - may ultimately help me. Being cheated on is my worst nightmare, because it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and reaffirms all of the painful beliefs I have about myself from childhood. But I wonder if by allowing my partner to have this freedom, and having him still come back to me, and not being abandoned, I may actually experience a sense of liberation. Maybe it’s possible that I can’t be everything my partner needs/desires all the time, but our connection can still be safe and fulfilling. Maybe it’s okay that he likes the novelty of being with new women, and maybe that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.

Since he told me, I’ve been oscillating between feeling optimistic/accepting, and feeling a lot of grief, rage and insecurity. Of course I can imagine this crashing and burning, but it is also possible for me to envision a reality where doing this actually brings us closer together and makes us stronger as a couple and individuals.

The boundaries we have discussed if we were to move forward are that he would only hook up with women he meets on tinder when we are apart for extended periods, and that it would just be one time with each woman. He would not have further contact with them after, and he would tell me about the encounters when they happen. Of course he would have to use protection and he would get cleared for STDs before we sleep together again. He has no objections to any of these boundaries since he does not care to have an emotional connection with anyone else.

He has also given me permission to sleep with others, with a lot less stipulations. I have never felt a desire to sleep with someone else and it’s hard to imagine myself wanting to, though I do wonder if that might change. If I felt I was doing nothing wrong maybe I would feel more open to this possibility. I honestly don’t know because I’ve never done this before.

This is getting very long winded, but I want to know if anyone has ever gone into an open relationship with reservations, and ultimately ended up feeling it worked for them?

We’ll be speaking to our therapist tomorrow but thought this community might have some useful insight.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you!