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I've been increasingly seeing comments on this sub and others saying that men who struggle with dating are all misogynists or losers. The idea is that the bar is actually very low for men in dating, and that if men simply treat women as human beings they shouldn't have any problems finding dates, partners, or sex. Therefore, any man who struggles with dating must be a loathsome creature who spends his free time sending dick pics and dehumanizing women, if not outright threatening them.
This post was the most extreme example of this trend, where it devolved into almost uniform mocking and bashing of all men who ever have the audacity to struggle with dating and feel sad about it.
As a man who has struggled with dating his whole life, reading comments like that is deeply hurtful and dispiriting. I'm not a misogynist or a loser. My ex used to always tell me that she thought I was among the kindest and most compassionate people she had ever known. Multiple women in my main friend group (which revolves around a male-dominated hobby) have frequently commented how nice it is to have finally found a circle where the men are all kind and respectful and treat the women like they treat anyone else. I have a full-time job, an active social life with multiple close friendships, a full head of hair and healthy weight, good hygiene and clothes, and exercise regularly. I treat women as equals and am a good listener.
So according to Reddit, I must have had women practically throwing themselves at me, right? I wish. In my six year, non-monogamous relationship with my ex, I had a total of two first dates. One of them stood me up on the second date, the other hooked up with me on the second date but then called it off due to stuff going on in her personal life. That's it. Otherwise I was practically invisible on online dating, and my attempts at connecting with the local poly community at meetups never lead to much either beyond awkward small talk.
(Meanwhile my partner had other partners for most of our relationship while putting minimal effort into dating, and was baffled that I wasn't getting more interest from women.)
There are many factors that go into attractiveness that have nothing to do with how good of a person you are, or even how you look. Things like confidence, charisma, and charm. Some of us have them more than others, and some of us it find it harder to cultivate them than others. That doesn't mean we're losers or assholes who deserve loneliness and scorn. That attitude reminds me of rich people who assume all poor people must be lazy or stupid.
I suspect most of the men who struggle with dating and vent about it here are similar to me. I really, sincerely doubt that a guy who sends dick pics and can't be bothered to write a profile would even think to spend time reading a subreddit like this.
I'm not denying the real struggles women face in dating. I'm not saying women are bad for not dating me. I'm not saying there aren't assholes out there, or that women want to date jerks.
What I am saying is that dating, especially non-monogamous dating, is often hard for men, even good men. And it's just not cool to act like it isn't, or worse to shame men who struggle and tell them they deserve it.
You have a simplistic view of things probably based on your own success, which may include tangible and non-tangible attributes you don't mention or are not even aware of.
Johnny Depp and Donald Trump to name two, seem like big assholes to me who assault women and generally treat them like shit, but seem to have no problem dating.
If you have the "secret sauce" to dating women, you should write a book - you would be a millionaire if the advice you give worked!
"Women prefer to date taller men; tall men attract more desirable partners. On average, women have a strong preference for tall men. In fact, women care more about dating taller men than men care about dating shorter women."
"Relatedly, a study about height and human mate choice found that, on average, the shortest man a woman would date is 5 feet 9 inches tall"
"People view short women and men as less attractive and less successful."
"Tall people make more money. Economists call this the “height premium."
While height is not everything, it matters a lot when dating
Read this article and countless others that make the case that women prefer tall men
Breast size for women is somewhat analogous to height for men. Women with larger breasts are perceived as more attractive(just look at how many women get breast implants)
"Large breasts received higher attractiveness ratings from men who scored high on the SOI-R than from men who scored relatively low. This means that men who tend to engage in short-term, low-commitment relationships (unrestricted men) are more attracted to large breast sizes than men who tend to engage in long-term relationships with high emotional commitment (restricted men) (Simpson & Gangestad, 1991)."
So at least for initial attraction, tall men and women with larger breasts are deemed more attractive. So if your goal is sexual connection, you are off to a good start before you even open your mouth!
Sounds like you don't know what you are talking about!
Donald Trump and Johnny Depp are two men who come to mind that don't seem like they "have done the work", yet have a long history of getting dates.
Women choosing to date assholes and then ascribing their experience to the rest of the male population is BS.
There are all kinds of men(and women) in the world, if you lack the perception nd judgement to choose the good ones, stop blaming the entire rest of the gender!
OP you are absolutely right. Even mild introversion seems to be a deal breaker when trying to meet women.
You endlessly read that women want "confident" men. Yet in my experience self-awareness and confidence are often at odds with one another. The most confident men are often the least self-aware or their bar to feel confident is pretty damn low!
Most men don't do this work. Most men don't realise what the work is that they have to do.
Please tell us what the work is we need to do vis a vis dating women
Stop with the online dating and meet potential partners in real life. I know it requires more work than just putting up a dating profile and watching the "likes" and offers pour in.
Your quality to quantity ratio will go way up. My GF meets and dates more men than she can handle by just flirting in real life. She laughs at online dating!
Thank you for succinctly stating what most men have empirically known their whole life!
I even believe monogamy became the dominant relationship paradigm due to the difficulty most men experience dating throughout history,
Most of my male friends married the first or second woman that they were able to date.
There are a few men I have met who this is not the case, but it is quite rare.
Opinions on dating profiles are entirely subjective. If there was a magic formula we(men) would all know it by now
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Most guys laugh at the idea that just being nice is going to them dates. Why - because they have tried it and it doesn't work!