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My wife and I have been married for 15 years. About 4 years ago she came out as asexual, and we began discussing the idea of opening up our marriage. Last month we finally took the plunge, and our core agreement was that we remain a family, and nothing I do should endanger that (we have 2 kids, one of them special needs, and our lives are deeply entangled financially and in terms of work distribution). She wanted me to go to a prostitute, but that doesn't work for a.) because it's not financially viable, and b.) I can't have fun having sex with someone who isn't into me. So I suggested I look for a FWB, and she agreed.
Fast forward to now -- I have been hanging out with a woman I get along with, and we've agreed to meet up at a hotel. My wife was initially cool with this, but as time grows closer she has become very upset. Specifically, she's upset that I plan to hang out with this woman, when she envisioned I would just fuck her with no emotional involvement.
I cannot do a completely emotionless arrangement. I don't need or want to be in love with someone, but I can't just treat someone like a human fleshlight. My wife is upset that I'm forming a genuine friendship with this woman, and I feel like that's incredibly unfair. She's convinced herself that I will fall in love with this woman, and while I get that is a concern, I'm also a grown ass man with responsibilities that take precedence over my pleasure.
I get her complaint that she doesn't get much out of this arrangement (other than a husband that doesn't hate life). The current situation though is untenable for me -- we've only slept together twice in the last 4 years, and probably less than 30 times in the last 10 years. I need this, and I want to find a way to make her feel more secure with this arrangement. Nothing I do with this woman will make me love my wife less, and until she started coming up with new demands it actually made me love her more because I thought she cared about my well-being. How do I get her to see that this is not a threat to her?
Did you stay together? If so, how are things now?
The thing is, I've been pushing to do that for 3 years. She won't go to therapy, she won't read books with me, she almost always refuses to discuss it. She bought Ethical Slut and told me to read it (it's actually been on my reading list for a while), then won't discuss it with me because she doesn't want to read it..
Like, I feel like I'm really doing the work here and she won't budge from her comfort zone..
1.) Poorly. When we were dating she was the one who was pushing for sex -- more than I could handle. After we were married she was more withdrawn but still happy to have sex but with the explicit goal to get pregnant. Once pregnant, she wanted zero sex until we were ready for the next kid. And after he was born, she's been sex-averse ever since. When we did sleep together she would make it clear she was "doing me a favor", despite ensuring that she got at least 2 orgasms for each one I got.
2.) Yes. We already split things pretty evenly, and I offered to let her have equal time, solo trips, etc. within reason and budget.
3.) Yes. I have actively encouraged her to seek out other partners. I'll definitely feel hurt if she discovers that she likes sex and affection but just doesn't want it with me, but I want her to be happy. I saw her on Bumble, told her I was happy she was putting herself out there and she got all weird about it.
4.) Yes, see 2 and 3.
I totally get why that's her thought process, but like what's frustrating is she cannot seem to understand how seriously I take my commitments. Even if I fell in love with someone, there is zero chance I would divorce her. We have kids to raise, a household to maintain, joint accounts on everything..
I think you're right about the solution though. I have to make it clear I will not tolerate the status quo any longer.
I'm going to push back a bit on the idea that I want polyamory -- that implies I want romantic entanglement, and I very much do not. I want cool friends I can hang out with, go hiking, play games, and sometimes fuck. But I get your point and I'll look into the book.
Dumb luck honestly. I probably swiped on 1000 profiles, got 3 matches.. and one of those matches turned out to be really cool
She says she never felt it, but just never had the words to describe it until later in life.. We've discussed it many times, and while I don't quite understand it I choose to believe her that she knows her orientation better than I do.
She has said as much, and 3 years of not pressuring her for sex (I wish I could say it was 4, but I had a hard time with it when she came out) has not gotten her to relax on this one bit.. No snuggles, no cuddles, no hugs from me (she will hug me but doesn't want me to hug her).
Anyway, yeah, it sucks. But I'm being supportive.
You know, it certainly felt suspect to me because she was very horny early on in our relationship. That said, she claims she's always been this way and just saw sex as a means to being loved, and I guess I'll take her word for it. Of course, then we have to unpack what it means that for all these years she didn't think it was worth the effort...
I just don't understand this mindset.. Like, she doesn't want sex (or even physical affection) from me, she wants love. It's not like having a good time with my FWB will make me love her less.. It will probably make me love her more since she'll be demonstrating that she actually cares about me and my needs.
I mean I do get what you're saying.. It's honestly kinda hard for me to distinguish because I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum and always had to work towards acting romantic in the past.
A lot of my friends have been women over the years, and this feels way more like that than the romantic partners I've had. We hang out but don't text each other all the time. I don't really think about her much when she's not around. We don't cuddle. The only real crossover is the sexual desire.
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Yeah, I agree. I've tried to get her to go to couples therapy with me for a while, but she refused because most couples therapists are not supportive of ace people (which is actually true and a valid concern). But yeah, I think we just need to find a good one.