When my partner has big feelings/reactions (e.g., crying, withdrawing) to me going on dates, I have reactions that feel bad/distracting/etc.

In any situation, if my partner is crying and upset, I also feel bad like damn, my boo is having a bad day. I feel for them. Few things in my day are more important than my partner being upset and needing comfort. If they are upset, I’m there for them. When I know my partner is upset about a date or a connection, I feel distracted and like I can’t participate in that opportunity fully.

Same thing with withdrawal. If my partner is upset over something and their reaction is to withdraw, my instinct is to interrupt that and to be a leader in those moments and say You’re safe, we are together, you can bring your feelings to this space and be accepted and supported.

I struggle to enjoy NM occasions because I know my partner is hurting. Leading up to a recent event, she cried and she explained that she has to withdraw from me before I have a date to protect herself. In any circumstance, if my partner withdraws, it’s gonna activate stuff in me. It feels bad for your person to pull away. I don’t want to chase her or effectively not listen when she says she needs space but again, knowing my partner is withdrawn…for any reason….that’s upsetting.

My boo said my expectations were too high for how this should go. She said she feels what she feels and I have to be there for that. I am here for whatever comes up… I think I have a good handle on what’s mine and what’s hers to be responsible for….

The specific thing I’m wondering and appreciate if y’all will share is how do you enjoy opportunities in front of you if you know that your partner isn’t 100% compersion-minded and might be literally sitting at home upset.

My partner doesn’t feel joy when I have an opportunity to hook up. She doesn’t want to stop me and consistently states that NM is the relationship structure she wants but she really struggles. I don’t want to hurt my partner. It’s normal to not want to do things that hurt my partner, right? We are in the beginning with each other but both have experience with NM otherwise. She has always been the one to do more hooking up and I suspect she hasn’t really wanted all the long term stuff with her previous partners. She says she wants that stuff with me so I’m thinking it’s a new challenge for her. We do alllllll the talking like conversations on conversations. How do y’all stay present with your extra partners when your primary isn’t feeling the best?

Thanks for your thoughts.