I’m so frustrated with poly representation in media in today’s modern day and age. I just watched the movie “Newness” and it has the most patronizing message ever about open relationships, which is surprising to me cause it’s kinda the least intricate/ ‘offensive’ type of poly (I’m over generalizing obviously but I understand it to be the most generally understood/ acceptable type of ENM in culture rn, which is sad but at least it’s a stepping stone).
It’s about this modern couple that decides to have an open relationship, (basically just for sex) but they’re both terrible communicators, and they don’t establish ANY specific boundaries. No OPP thankfully but they do unicorn hunt for a mff, and don’t discuss limits for sleeping over or gifts, which leads to fights and on-again off-again stuff. But I’m watching this like that’s fine, maybe that’s gonna be the lesson, they need to learn what they’re each comfortable with and how to navigate it or something. NOPE!
There’s literally a scene near the end of the movie where the main guy is meeting up with his ex, who now has a kid and ‘has her life all together,’ and when he inquires about her monogamous relationship, he’s all “but doesn’t that get boring??” and she gets this look on her face, and she says something like: “Sometimes, but that’s just part of growing up 😌” which is SUCH an inaccurate, belittling thing to say about ENM/poly- and THEN he goes back to his GF, and they decide to be monogamous again!! And that’s the “happy ending” that solves all their relationship problems!!!!! Even though the guy was the only one “uncomfortable” with the open relationship to begin with!!! 🤬
I can’t believe this level of ignorance is still happening in America or wherever they made this. So disappointing. Especially since closing their relationship obviously didn’t solve any of their communication problems/ boundary issues, even though they’re implying it does, as if you can’t have problems like that in a monogamous relationship 🙄
There is no right or wrong when it comes to nm relationships. It is what works for the couple.
NM is harder in different ways than mono. Many people will not be comfortable with it because they lack the emotional makeup to successfully navigate its challenges.
Yes, they can learn about it and even agree to it, but without the right emotional makeup, it never feels good, regardless of what society thinks. For many people it is the enduring painful emotions that drive them away, not the shame the perceive from society at large.
Who is shaming you? If this is self-shame learned from societal programming, then you need to "work through it" as you recommend for jealousy and other emotions. Your shame is your problem, probably most people could really care less how many lovers you have.
I think you overestimate the influence of what is often referred to as "mono-normative programming". And also this defensiveness around enm as a "valid orientation" - valid to whom?
Of course the western cultural/religous traditions actively champion monogamy as the only viable arrangement. I am sure there are many who have been dissuaded as a result. However, for many of us, it is the negative emotions of jealousy, fear of abandonment, feeling of not being good enough, etc. that make nonmonogamy a challenging relationship choice.
These feelings and emotions have nothing to do with mono-normative programming or religion. People with anxious attachment and there are many of us will struggle in nonmonogamous relationships.
Yup, apples and oranges. I almost wish there was a nm sub for living together partnered and married people, preferably over 25 years old.
The solo enm/poly scene is is more difficult for me to relate to, as I said reminds me of dating in High School
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I think you could say the same about monogamous relationships too tbh. The vast majority of them fail too (until one doesn’t), and the number grows pretty quickly if you include the number of people absolutely miserable in mono relationships that just stay in them because they don’t think they have a choice.