Apologies in advance for this stream of consciousness, I'm honestly not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe I just need to get it out.

I (F46) am seeing a married man, (O, M46), with his wife's (H, F51) permission. She has free reign to date outside the marriage, but chooses not to (to his knowledge). I also have freedom to date outside of us, as O doesn't feel it would be fair to me for him to expect exclusivity from me.

At first, it was supposed to be more of a "side fun" CNM sort of thing for O bc H is no longer interested in sex or affection with him or anybody else (her words. And affection appears to include anything physical - no snuggling, few hugs, they haven't slept in the same bed in years bc of sleep schedules, and the only kisses are closed-mouth pecks). But over time, O and I have fallen in love. H seems to be uneasy about it, but has not cut us off, thankfully. I don't know if this still means C/ENM, or if feelings send us over the the poly line, not that it really needs a label.

We've been seeing each other for 14mo, with a 6mo break (I was newly with someone who wanted to be exclusive, at the same time H started becoming uneasy about our relationship after realizing there were feelings). We stayed friends, and in regular communication. My relationship ended, and O and I started seeing each other again soon after. We still have the same NRE as when we first started seeing each other.

H recently saw something she didn't care for in our texts, so it has changed our communication. We're generally quite effusive in our feelings for each other, and this has curtailed it somewhat. We know how we feel about each other, we just say it in fewer words and no emojis/gifs now, so this is by no means the end of the world, but holding back just feels weird. But if this is something we need to do to stay in H's good graces, we'll do it. We're both well aware that she currently has the control over whether we're together, and we're in agreement that we each want and need the other and will do what we need to in order to preserve our relationship (unless of course she made him choose - I would fully expect him to choose her and their family, and would encourage him to do so if he was wavering). I've consistently been supportive of O and H's marriage and family life (they have a tween child), encouraging him to have as much family time as possible, and talking him through ideas that might help bring her back to him in a more emotional and physical manner, despite knowing that if that happens, it could spell the end for us - after all, we're only able to be together because of her disinterest. I adore this man with my heart and soul, and want nothing more than for him to be happy, even if that means he no longer needs me. And he feels the same.

I don't think we're a full V, maybe just a check mark - there are rules she's had from the beginning, a recently implemented new rule, and things he and I would love to do together that she either rarely allows or would never allow (we've only overnighted twice, and she'd never allow him to travel with me). She is the Primary, the NP, the wife of 20 years, the mother of his child, the keeper of his household (she'a SAHM). I have to be content with my once every 10 days to two weeks meetings, and maybe once a month, a few hours in a hotel room. I know my place.

So anyway, that's my situation. Hi there!