I am struggling with a situation I am going through at the moment.

My partner and I had opened our relationship, due to his suggestion. We used to have the agreement that we sleep with others, but don't romantically date them. I understand that this was a bad rule, because feelings develop.

My best friend and my boyfriend fell in love, they did not even sleep with each other at first. They started going on a few dates, and they were hesitant at first, but eventually things developed and within three weeks they went from casually making out to declaring each other primary partners. I was a little blindsided by how fast it moved, but they both seem incredibly happy with each other. My boyfriend is crazy for her, it's really cute.

But he also made it clear to me that I need to know my place now, because I no longer am the main person in his life. He made it clear he still loves me, and wants to continue to have me in his life as a partner, but I am no longer his main partner. We used to have plans to move in together after my lease is up, but he made clear that things like moving in together and marrying are no longer on the table due to the fact that it would be unfair to his other partner, which is very understandable. He says he sees both of us as equally important, and I can accept that, but it is definitely difficult to give up the primary partnership for me.

I understand that hierarchical poly is pretty problematic, and I am working on giving that thought up. It's tough because it feels like a breakup due to the clear change in life plans, but it also isn't. I benefit from the new relationship because it really elevates his mood, and he's also more affectionate to me as a result, which I really enjoy. He really works hard to equally prioritize both of us, and we both get the same amount of date time with him. He makes it clear that he loves us both, and not going to lie, having my best friend be my meta is strange and has its own difficulties, but is also very fun. It is strange since I see her like a sister, but it is getting easier, and I know that she's great, otherwise she would not be my best friend.

I just want to hear some input of other ENM people who have gone from having a primary relationship to being a second/equal partner, and how your coping strategies were for the changes in the relationship. I miss the perceived security a little, and it's a super strange and confusing situation. It also triggers my internalized homophobia, since I feel less than due to my relationship with my partner being homosexual, and in my mind, his heterosexual partnership with my best friend is inherently worth more, which is also a bias I have to somehow overcome.

Thanks for any input!

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