Sorry, this is going to be a long one. But if even just one person reads this and comments their perspective I would be so grateful.

I don’t even know where to begin. My partner (22M) and I (21F) have been dating for 3 years (friends for 6) and we’ve been open since the beginning of our relationship. Lately everything has just become a mess. I hate to say that it’s all his fault but he just keeps pushing things too far for me.

When we first started dating we had lots of rules about our openness (i.e. only sexual relationships, only share minimal details, etc.), but the longer we’ve been dating the more relaxed things have become. We trusted each other to act in our own and our partner’s best interest. So things are a lot more “feel it out and check in” now. We did keep a couple rules (have to get tested after sex with a new person, some form of birth control must be used if engaging in penis-in-vagina sex, etc.).

But a couple months ago my boyfriend slept with a coworker of mine I introduced him to. He told me they only had penetrative sex for about 30 seconds and used a condom because they were both very drunk. Coworker then shared with me (at work, might I add) that she lied to him about having a latex allergy and they actually didn’t use a condom. She is not on birth control. I completely flipped out on him for lying to me and for risking pregnancy with another person. He was such a dick about it in a way I haven’t seen him be before. Turned it into a conversation about how I speak to him when I’m upset. I was swearing at him. I was yelling. I apologized and felt bad about the fact that I spoke to him that way. He apologized to me but I just never felt fully recognized or heard. I lost a lot of trust in him over that incident.

Then, a few weeks ago him and I were talking about a girl we were both sort of “dating” in a thruple-type situation a year and a half ago. Him and her had a falling out but her and I still hang out and engage sometimes. I didn’t realize until a year after their falling out that I really missed the connection we all had and I was a little heartbroken. I shared with him in a moment of shame that I loved her (I was not “in love” however), if at the very least because she was a wonderful friend and she brightened up so many of my days. He comforted me and told me there was nothing to be ashamed of. He asked me if I was in love with her, and I said no because I don’t think I had the capacity to be in love with another person while I’m with him. It just isn’t a place my mind would go to. I told him that I would probably be upset to know that he was in love with anyone else. He then, in a moment of perfect timing, told me that he had, in fact, been in love with her. I was mildly crushed. It didn’t hurt that badly to hear it, but it’s been a dull ache I’ve carried with me since he’s told me.

He’s now hanging out with and having sex with another girl. The three of us fucked around once or twice but after trying to hang out with her and having her always be late, leave early, or be on the phone or texting every time, I decided I was no longer interested in her as an intimate partner. I told him I was happy to hang out with the two of them in a friendly way because I think she’s very sweet, but I wanted to keep her at a distance because of how she had disrespected my time repeatedly. I told him I was perfectly happy to have them continue their intimate relationship.

Soon my boyfriend also got irritated with her time management and lack of punctuality. He was very upset because he had invested time in her and had supported her emotionally. I was empathetic and helped him get through those feelings. I am happy to soothe and support my partner when he is hurt by another partner. But then they started hanging out again.

Last night, the three of us went for a swim and had dinner after they had sex while I was away from home. I had a great time. The only thing was that they were talking about their relationship while I was there. It was awkward. There was nothing I could contribute to the conversation. So I just stepped away during dinner to go to the bathroom so they could wrap it up. I tried to be kind and give them space. When I came back, they were still discussing it. She said, “when you initiate that healthy communication, it makes me feel like someone cares about me and I’m in a relationship” in a very loving way. I was uncomfortable but I tried not to show it on my face and to just be gracious. When we said our farewells and my boyfriend and I got in the car, he immediately says “you need to stop being so hostile. I can tell you’re uncomfortable and it’s making [girl’s name] uncomfortable too.” I immediately started crying because I was so shocked and confused. I told him I didn’t know what he was referring to. I had tried so hard to give them space and not make things weird. I explained my point of view and he backed off and apologized. He thanked me for trying to give them space and also said he was sorry for bringing that up in such an accusatory and narrow-minded way. But I’m so hurt. I told him that today. I told him I was still really frustrated and just needed some space and time. But I just want to yell at him. I just want him to know how much all of this has hurt and punch him in the arm or something.

On top of that, when we were swimming today he kept pressing me to tell him if I’d be comfortable with him “dating” another person. I just felt so angry at him for even asking that. I just wanted him to stop pushing everything for even 24 hours. When we first started dating, I was wildly uncomfortable with the idea of us forming emotional connections with other people and I just wanted us to have fuck buddies. I learned that nonmonogamy for me was more about sex and for him it was more about forming romantic connections with others. I warmed up to the idea. I trusted him to treat me with respect in his endeavors. But now he’s asking to full-on date other people too. I just want him to stop and just let things be for a bit. It just feels like I’m constantly being pushed to this high standard and I’m done. I told him no. Dating other people was not okay. What do I do at this point? I don’t want to stop nonmonogamy because I fucking suck at monogamy and I’ve really enjoyed some of the experiences I’ve had. I think I just need to tell him to stop pushing it and to keep me a little more distanced from his partners. I try not to talk too much about my partners or put them in the same room as my boyfriend out of respect for everyone’s comfortability. I just need some perspective on this. Thank you for reading.