Hello, I've asked this in other subs and gotten less than warm feedback so please be gentle if possible. Advanced apologies for imperfect grammar, assumptions, and wording.

Tldr; his comment worried me. What's it like to be in an open marriage regarding emotional bandwidth, and how do I approach such a concern at this early date without pushing him away?

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Over the last 2 months I've been on 6 dates with a man in an open marriage. It has gone better than any dating situation I've had in many years and has met my needs for independence and consistency extremely well so far. I'm having a great time and I feel peaceful and happy after our dates. The required openness of communication and scheduling structure has been very healing to me as I tend towards anxiousness when things are uncertain and unpredictable. I love that our times together are fun and simple, and I love the idea of holding that position and not sharing the things that are more tedious about some more domestically entwined partnerships. I consider myself monogamous, but identity with reasons people choose solo poly.

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He's been married 11 years, open for 5 due to dead bedroom, and had several serious/multi-year girlfriends in this time. He and his wife are friends and co-parents and seem to love and respect each other on a level I don't and couldn't fully understand as someone who's never been married, and I've told him twice that respecting her and her own private story with him is a primary consideration for me as he and I progress. He expressed appreciation for this and called himself a feminist.

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Their rules are only privacy in their community (we live 30-40 minutes apart, he in a conservative suburb, me in a very liberal city, and he comes to me every time), be safe, and no one brought home. They do not have veto power and are uninvolved with each other's partners other than respectful scheduling considering their co-parenting and her time with her own boyfriend. She is a planner and values predictability and both are highly important to me as well, so this aspect contributes to me contentment and security in our dynamic so far.

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We agreed before meeting, as part of the conversation during our first date learning about this dynamic that would be completely new to me, and after our 2nd date as well when some of our interaction set off fears for me, that we are both looking for a real connection. I have communicated that I can't be physical casually as I get attached, and when I mentioned that his more traditional approach to romance of high assertiveness on his part has not been my preference, he has said he could see it being triggering and has changed.

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In his dating profile he used the words "casual, meaningful, and ongoing," when stating what he's looking for. I'm hoping to ask more about what casual means to him.

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We are taking it slow sexually but progressing and he has been respectful of the pacing in that regard. On our last date we discussed testing and health for a possible soon escalation on this level but our dates so far have been dinners and conversation and quality public time in a lovely way.

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We've both expressed agreement that physical intimacy gets better over time as nerves subside and people learn about each other, so the implication of further dates there has given me a sense of security around continuity which is important for me. I'm not drawn to marriage or being a primary partner but a longer term, reliable, consistent dynamic is one of my hopes when dating.

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On our first date I mentioned a trauma and difficulty around physical intimacy as well, particularly fears around trust, and he has shown good consideration of this during our time alone and physical progression. Part of the aftereffects of that trauma was grief and a feeling of personal blame over being unexpectedly dehumanized by someone I cared about, knew, and trusted, so his comment was particularly notable to me personally, aside from concerns about how he feels about women and extramarital relationships in general.

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The comment, "you're my favorite toy," was received in a text in response to lightly flirty emojis the day after play. I responded immediately, "I am not a toy!" And he responded that he meant enjoying the experience, and the conversation moved on, though only briefly as we text minimally between dates, which I prefer. He also has touched me and said "mine" twice, and I immediately at those times let him know that I am not his, without elaboration. Thought the elaboration, which I will share if it comes up again, is that I am my own, I'm independent, we are not married, and my needs and our dynamic exist outside of the permissions he has in his marriage. Autonomy is part of why I like my potential role in this arrangement to begin with.

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I happened to connect with an ex of his from last year who was in a 7mo relationship with him on "I love you" level, and she expressed strong negative emotions around her feeling that he implied he was looking for something real but ultimately he was emotionally unavailable and only looking for sex.

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Although I feel that these experiences of hers may be part of her own mismatch with non-monogamy, (she also had never tried it before, and lamented a feeling that he is still in love with his wife and does everything she says--two things I feel I have more of an understanding and actually an appreciation for) I am aware that there may be also an element of objectivity in this ex's perspective, considering my own observation in limitations of his emotional depth so far. (It has not been long enough yet for me to know if that's just part of us being new to each other.)

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Many things about our relationship (meaning interpersonal relationship--we have not discussed exclusivity yet which I appreciate) so far indicate a desire on his part for depth in connection beyond physical, especially the physical pacing and focus of our dates mostly on long conversations in public, as well as my expressing needs and him altering his approach to meet them.

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There have also been things that have concerned me. I am aware that physical connection, validation ,and romance will be primary for him on some levels due to it being one of the main reasons for his open marriage. It is also extremely important to me, due to my own experiences with a dead bedroom in my most serious relationship to date. However I am very sensitive to a concern of being objectified (as I have been in the past, both in my trauma and in casual interactions), used (as toys are used), and then discarded (I have been mislead and ghosted or coldly left after intimacy in the past).

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I have worked to heal my own internalizations around these things and believing in the value I can hold in a romantic partner's eyes beyond physical, as well as general men's capacity for emotional connection formed by my upbringing and past dating experiences, and am fearful that again discovering objectifying external perception from someone I care about and respect will set back that healing, as well as put me in physical danger regarding the consent required from humans rather than objects.

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He is currently on a family trip for a week with limited connectivity and I am waiting till he returns to express my feelings on this matter so as not to intrude on his time there and so we can have time to discuss things better.

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I'm looking for any feedback on how to approach this topic so early on considering my personal sensitivity to the implication considering my trauma history, as well as general concerns on his feeling about secondary partners and women in general.

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I'm interested in hearing from married or deeply entwined people who can share their levels of non-physical intimacy, presence, and pacing regarding emotional availability when dating and throughout secondary partnerships.

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Thanks for reading if you got this far!!

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Tldr; his comment worried me. What's it like to be in an open marriage regarding emotional bandwidth, and how do I approach such a concern at this early date without pushing him away?