First I'd like to just point out that both me and my wife are very intense people, we have a tendency to open our hearts very easily and we are both mindful that most people are not like us, don't wish to be like us, and cannot match our energy the way we would wish. So there's that.

Anyway we have both reached a sort of similar emotional conundrum and are having a hard time not getting our emotional intensities matched to a point where it's hurting us a bit. I'd like some perspective on the situation. Here's what's up.

My wife is objectively smoking hot - she works out, is intelligent, has a career, is self reliant, has an absolutely banger of a hot body and can flirt and have a conversation like nobody else. I may be biased but trust me when I tell you she is a whole package kind of woman. One thing is, she's usually very enthusiastic and always ready to take the lead and always ends up being the one initiating. She'd really like it it if she could date someone who's hot for her in a way where she can feel desired and sought after, if that makes sense?

She has met this guy, they have incredible chemistry. In the beginning he totally gave the right signals and she's gone along and encouraged his approach. Last time they hung out she explained to him that she's poly and really prefers an emotional connection before commiting to sex. Note that she was honest about being openly married even before ever meeting him. She's not expecting commitment, but definitely expects emotional aftercare if she has sex with someone. The guy is full mono btw and has all the usual uninformed apprehensions about the poly thing. He's single and has an easy time finding someone to spend the night with if he needs to. So anyway they rolled around in the hay all night making out and got horny as fuck. My wife had already decided she would keep it above waist level that particular night because she wants to be sure he's emotionally available after something like this. Had okay chat chemistry after that, exchanged a few messages, but it's been some days and he's simply not initiating a next date.

I don't quite understand this situation because in my case, my dick would be chasing that ass big time before my head could catch up with what's up.

My situation:

I met a woman who I have just the most incredible chemistry with. When we're together, time just melts away and we cannot stop talking. When we kiss it's electrifying and we snap together like two missing pieces of a puzzle. She's also used to the mono script, but is very open to poly and has described her usual relationship progression as one that crumbles at the prospect of commiting to a single person. Perfect poly apprentice, i thought. Maybe not though.

We used to exchange messages daily and just kind of talking shit and having our fun and flirting. Always a next date in the calendar. After our last date, which was amazing as usual, it kind of has dried up and while she does occasionally initiate messaging me and does initiate planning our next meeting, i am simply not getting the same intensity or urgency from her as before. There was some busy plans and lot's of social activity on her side which shut down her communication with me entirely for the last half of this week. It's been a week since we last saw each other and we just tried to plan again, but there's no obvious occasion all next week. I'm finding that I am pining for this girl so intensely and maybe I'm in it way deeper than her. I hate feeling over invested into someone and am considering breaking it off entirely instead of being hopelessly in love with someone who's unavailable.

So it's obvious to me and my wife both that we should not have chosen people not matching our own energy levels. Also we should not have invested ourselves into people who are used to mono. Also we both wish intensely to just communicate our simple and clear needs to our prospects. But how much communication is too much? For us, we can literally stand communicating, mind-melding, heart-pouring with each other for hours upon hours, but are mindful that for other people that would be too much.

Are we just being stupid? Is there some other mental model we're not considering? We're both inclined to finding more people to date to reach each our saturation points, to lessen the pressure on our existing relationships. But also we are cautious not to add too many moving part into a situation that is already unstable.