Since my first entry into ENM, I have been fighting myself to be a non-hierarchial solo-polyam person, because I thought that was the 'right way' to do things. It's been years of work with very little success, and I have given up trying to be that person. I have finally openly admitted that a more hierarchial non-monogamy is better suited to my physical and emotional needs.

I have a deeply emotionally involved long term partnership with someone who identifies mostly as RA. House keys, emergency contacts, see each other 2 times a week. He is not able or willing to fill the role of a 'primary partner', for all that term tends to entail. I've known this since we met, it's me who has changed. I love him dearly and it's been hard for me to accept what can never be (hence the years of denial). I feel bad for metaphorically pulling the rug out from under him, though he does know ive been struggling for a long time.

We really value and love each other deeply. Despite our differences, we are the healthiest relationship either of us has ever had. But I don't think either of us is really able to be in the kind of partnership we have been doing with my newfound acceptance of who I am. It just doesn't match up, and that mismatch has been leading to distress on both ends for quite some time. I see that we have been compromising our individual needs and values for each other, and I worry that it will only get worse and resentment will build.

I don't know how to go from where we are to a relationship where both of our needs are being met. I don't know how to emotionally pull back without pulling ALL the way back. My heart has been too invested for too long. I don't want to have to emotionally 'downgrade' us to casual partners, but I don't see another way out of this mess.

I have 2 potential paths in my head. In each, we would sit down and have a very blunt discussion about our wants, needs, and values as total individuals, and see where we can optimize the overlap. I want to be mindful of leaving space in our lives to seek the connections that are actually what we want. I also don't want him to feel like a placeholder while I wait for someone who has the want and ability to be my primary.

1. Total break. Take some time completely apart to sort of flush our systems of each other. Reassert our individual selves. Return house keys, personal items, stop our D/s dynamic. Meet back up at a pre-determined time and start our relationship over from scratch and see where that takes us.

2. Soft/partial break. Have only super structured time together, keep it to once a week/ 2 weeks. D/s moves to bedroom only. Text each other less than daily, but still keep in touch between meets. This gives us some level of distance without losing each other completely while we work on detangling ourselves and having those big convos.

For anyone who has done an emotional transition, how did you do it? For people who have had this mismatch in wants and needs, what did you do?

Also: yes, I see a therapist and go to a non-mono support group. I have some friends in the community but the largest majority all seem to be non-hierarchial folks who only seek others of the same.