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I can't stand knowing when my husband is with others, talking to others, going on dates, etc.. But I encourage it and want him to explore and learn and grow because I fully support us being primary partners always while also being ENM. BUT I HATE IT because I'm so fucking insecure... every time I bring it up, he gets super defensive and shuts down and I feel even worse. I'm trying so hard to communicate how I feel without trying to make him the bad guy because he isn't, but even I know and acknowledge that how I feel is crazy by definition. It's not jealousy, it's genuine insecurity and idk what to do about this feeling even after countless conversations and therapy. Any advice??
OP - do you date others? If so do you truly enjoy it?
"But I encourage it and want him to explore and learn and grow because I fully support us being primary partners always while also being ENM. BUT I HATE IT because I'm so fucking insecure... every time"
OP you sound like a "people pleaser" with anxious attachment. The extreme need to please other people(especially your partner) is very common among people with this attachment style.
You need to focus less on your partner and more on fixing yourself. Yes, you need to come to terms with anxious attachment and then decide if NM is right for you. Sometimes something that feels bad is actually bad for you and trying to "tough it out" will not work.
Switch therapists(sounds like your current one is not helping much) - attachment insecurity does not require a counselor with a specific view on enm( or -). When you have gotten to a better place with this you will be able to make better choices around relationships in general and enm specifically.
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