Also this is long bc I'm also kinda ranting so TLDR below.

Hey All! So me (22N) and my partner (20N) are poly. We were before we met each other and we decided to be poly even after being together (2 years now). We've went over boundaries countless times and agreed upon those set boundaries. It was mostly just "always ask before doing anything with anybody". That's it. Just because we aren't always comfortable with it, sometimes we want to be included, sometimes we just don't like that specific person, the reasons don't matter. Just if the other consented or not.

So my partner and I have a poly friend with multiple wives. We all have crushes on each other and previously had a mutual mast*rbation session with said friend. We've talked about things we'd like to do with that friend as well. My partner was at said friends house while his wife was over and they asked me permission to touch said wife. I didn't really mind bc there was nothing more to it. Just touching. But then I received a bunch of pictures and even a video of...a lot more than that happening between the three of them.

Everyone involved was under the impression that I was fine with this (which is understandable) but I know and my partner now realizes that a very very big boundary was crossed. I'm extremely hurt and feel very betrayed and my partner completely understands and we're just trying to find a way to rebuild trust.

Cheating in this way (crossing a boundary rather than "I can't believe you slept with another person") feels different. Especially because we're both into BDSM and both have sexual trauma and hypersexuality so the main point of this rule is to make sure the other is safe and with a safe person. For that reason, I would have said no unless I was present bc I do not know and have not verified if this person knows how to practice BDSM safely and healthily. And it turns out they didn't. I know this type of cheating/boundary crossing is handled differently than "Omygod I can't believe you broke my trust by being intimate with another" since its more like "I don't know if I can trust you to do the thing we agreed to do to keep each other safe" But we're both a little young and honestly I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know therapy is an option but neither of us have healthcare. Has anyone been through something similar? If so, what did you do? Or if this happens to you, what would you?

✨ TLDR: Partner crossed boundary by not asking permission first even though it was an act we discussed but never agreed on and I'm extremely hurt and I just want to rebuild that trust. Partner is super understanding and feels extremely bad.

Ps: I have no intention with breaking up with them. Yes, they betrayed my trust but I understand how it could have happened. I'm just disappointed that they did not make better decisions especially for something so important. I just want some advice on how to rebuild trust that isn't for monogamous people specifically. Nothing more pls because this is a very nuanced situation and I can't even truly begin to put it all in words.

Thank you for reading all of that. 😭🥺