My friend has been in a relationship with someone’s husband for many years. It’s a huge commitment that I respect, but the so-called non-monogamy that the guy imposed isn’t based on the wife’s consent at all. Practically, he has been cheating on his wife.

Both my friend and her partner knows that I’m a non-monogamist, and seem to support my view about relationships, intimacy, and love. She is a good person and great friend in general, but atm I am reaching the point where I am too tired to hear how their view about “one person can love more than one persons” has been “misunderstood” and “despised” by everyone, including the guy’s friends and couple’s family members (they have kids in elementary school) — when the situation is not really about how people don’t accept their concept of non-monogamy.

I sympathise with the difficult situation of them in loving each other, but I can’t stand for any more self-victimisation. Last time she obsessively texted me about her missing his partner who went on an overseas business trip and how crazy that drove her. Later on she kept calling me but I didn’t have headspace to pickup as I had to deal with some other issues at my end (caretaking my sick mom, my demanding works, my intimate partners).

When I got the time to write back, I suggested her to review her attachment to the guy, but I also learned that she tried to reach me because that time she talked to her partner’s wife about how she and the guy would want to be together, and my friend & her partner expected to get separated from his wife, and how it gave her “anxiety attack”, and told me that time she called because she “simply needed a friend to understand how difficult it is to fight for this love.” We barely talk now.

I feel bad for not being there, but I am struggling with my problems as well, and now I find it hard to sympathise with the hardship of their relationship. I practice non-monogamy (two of my partners are also married but theirs are open marriages), but I can’t really justify the “loving more than one persons” in this situation. I feel like she has been trying playing victim and I can’t spare headspace to comfort her when the wife and everyone cancel her.

Am I hurting their non-monogamy by no longer allocating emotional supports? Am i an asshole, hypocrite non-monogamy friend?