My (25F, pan) partner (28M, bi) and I have been in an open relationship for 2 years. I wanted to explore with women, he wanted to explore with men, so we decided on an open relationship. We’ve been together 4.5 years. I spent 2 years with him in the US while he studied, then he immigrated to Canada to be with me (originally North African).

Context:

Over the 2 years, I’ve gone out with 3-4 women. (ETA: when I say “gone out with,” I pretty literally mean went on a date. The only person I had an ongoing thing with was the person I’m about to mention.) The first person I started to see was on/off but we didn’t have sex until ~8 months after we started talking when she came out with me and my partner to a sex club back to ours (Nov 2022). We had a threesome but I was totally sidelined so didn’t enjoy the experience and felt like shit. I talked to my partner about it and he sincerely apologized for not giving me attention.

We’ve had issues with our romantic life: he was rarely horny while I was very horny; I’ve expressed to him for most of our relationship that I need more affection than he gives me. (Due to this, seeing him enthusiastically fuck someone else and semi-ignore me felt horrible.) I give him compliments multiple times a day, I show him through touch and words that I love and find him attractive. I’ve clearly communicated I need more reciprocation and while he does make an effort, it’s still an issue. I’ve been having a hard time with mental health (ADHD, ASD) and physical health lately and need more support. He has CPTSD and had a rough past few years but is doing better at the moment.

I’ve met up with a few more women: slept with one I didn’t jive with, the rest didn’t go anywhere. He’s tried to meet people but nothing worked out up until recently. He had a weekend-long training event out of the city and made out with one of the women there, but it didn’t go anywhere. I expressed feeling bad that our sex life was still struggling while he was seeking other women, he said he’d try harder.

The issue:

Last night I was supposed to meet a girl for drinks but cancelled and told my partner I wanted to spend the evening with him. He was supposed to work out but it got cancelled. I got home but he was about to leave to go meet up with someone (NB) he met on hinge. I was upset because I expressed wanting to spend the evening together but he said he wouldn’t be long (was ~6:30pm).

~10pm he texted me he’s going to their place. I asked him to please come back home and he refused. I said okay. He got home around 12am and told me about the evening.

When he brought up the sex part, I just… My stomach turned. I felt like I was gonna be sick and felt very anxious. I really want to feel okay with him exploring, but every time he’s with someone else I just get a sinking feeling in my stomach.

My POV:

I think part of it is that I don’t feel secure in our relationship. It’s confusing that he rarely feels like sleeping together but seeks it out elsewhere and it makes me feel like he’s not into me. I feel like my needs aren’t being met so when he gives attention to someone else, it feels like “why not me?”

I told him I wasn’t sure I’m comfortable with (both of us) continuing this arrangement while my needs aren’t being met, and that I feel we need to strengthen our relationship so I can feel secure before we explore this again.

His POV:

He feels like he needs to explore in order to strengthen our relationship and give me what I need and to be happy. He hasn't explored his sexuality and doesn’t have many friends here but has been making big progress socially as of late.

The impasse:

He feels it’s unfair I’m now deciding I’m uncomfortable after I’ve had the chance to explore, which is fair, but I explained that if at any point he expressed discomfort I would have stopped seeing other people.

I feel like he can make social progress without seeing people romantically. I want him to explore his sexuality so badly but it’s not healthy for me to get anxiety when he’s with others due to feeling like I’m not satisfying him, like he’s not interested in me, etc.

He’s saying he’s not willing to stop exploring right now and feels I’m being unfair by dictating the rules. My POV is that we need a heathy foundation to successfully have an open relationship, and right now I feel our foundation is not solid… When he’s with others I feel like our relationship is threatened even though I don’t believe that’s the case at all, but it’s hard to shake the feeling and I don’t want to feel anxious every time he sees someone else, hence wanting to focus on each other for now.

That’s basically where we’re at. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.