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My girlfriend is on a date. She is spending the night there. I can’t sleep. I’m too anxious and jealous. I keep comparing me and the person she’s with. I wish I was sleeping with her right now. Maybe I’m selfish? This open relationship thing is kind of new to me. I am okay with her being on a date. I’m okay with her liking someone else. I’m okay with her fucking someone else. But it also hurts. I’m trying to understand the root of my jealousy. I’m very uncomfortable.
Again, "keeping yourself busy" is not always possible when you are alone in the middle of the night. This is often when the fears are the worst and the opportunities for distraction are more limited.
So this is the time to try breathing exercises, meditation, mantras, etc to see if they might help turn down the emotional and physical distress. But they may not...
You are welcome, I felt the same when I learned this from another poster here. The distinction is important and might lead to the answer to our situation, which might be a return to mono - but I am hoping not!
Through this forum, I learned that what I thought was jealousy was actually primal panic. This probably originates from childhood trauma around the fear of abandonment(which feels like death to a child).
Many people, including celebrated authors, give a lot of advice about jealousy, not realizing it is very different from primal panic. Jealousy is the trigger, but what it unleashes(the fear of abandonment/death) is much stronger. The unlucky victim literally feels like they are dying!
I am trying to come to grips with this myself. NM can be a powerful trigger to bring these unresolved wounds back into your life. I still am not sure if I can ever be truly comfortable in a nm relationship.
Good luck, research primal panic and please share your journey with us - You are not alone!
I have found your experience and voice to be an important part of this forum. Thanks for contributing, it is an interesting lifestyle even if you are not actively participating!
When I experience primal panic there is no rage or anger. The pain is entirely internal.
Thanks, it took a lot of work for me to realize these things
I am really close to ending my nm journey. I just don't think I am emotionally cut out for it to work for me. I tried, but it really hurts!
You know with all these rules, boundaries, scheduling, conversations, therapists, anxious/ sleepless nights, sti worries, jealousy work, panic work, work in general just to make multiple partners feel loved, often feeling you are one new penis/vagina away from being abandoned either physically or emotionally - maybe ENM is not that great a way to live your life!
For the relatively few people with the natural emotional wiring to make it work - great, enjoy the ride!
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I wonder the same thing - my honest journey with nm and what I am feeling has garnered me some haters who downvote anything I post.
My journey is different and I guess they can't handle that. I acknowledge I am often wrong and my views are evolving, still don't get the haters though