I am writing this to address the common question we get here from people usually in a monogamous relationship which has hit some type of incompatible sexual dead end who come here asking if non-monogamy will save their relationship. The story is always the same “I don’t want to leave my partner but I am not getting my sexual needs met so can I keep the relationship going by getting my sexual needs met elsewhere?” If this applies to you keep reading and if you see someone asking this same question please feel free to link them here.

The answer is an absolute “no” and everyone here can tell you that but I want to lay out what I consider to be the explanation as to why. Feedback and criticism is always appreciated!

Sex is not just about physical satisfaction, it’s also about the emotional validation of being sexually wanted. You can scratch the physical itch and get some temporary relief from a prolonged sexless or otherwise sexually unfulfilling bead room by going out and sleeping with someone else but it won’t change the fact that you are still coming home to someone who you at some point in the past choose as your primary (usually only) sexual partner who now no longer is willing or able to make you feel sexually desired at home. The short physical relief of getting some sex in elsewhere will give way to a deeper pain that the physical intimacy you wanted to be present in your primary relationship is still not there.

If you do meet a new sexual partner and begin to remember what it feels like to feel you are worthy of being sexually desired again then it’s not going to make your sexless bead room at home feel more tolerable but rather will likely make the situation even more intolerable now that you have something to contrast it against and someone new who you would rather be spending your time with. This fact provides plenty of fuel for the partner you are already having intimacy issues with to get jealous and insecure and that is is only going to compound on making the issues worse.

Is it fair to this other person that you are only seeing them (even if just casually) as a bandage on your problems in your main relationship? Do you have to break it off with them if you do mend things in your primary relationship?

Can your partner also sleep with other people? If you can then they should be able to as well but how is it going to feel if your partner who won’t have sex with you is now having sex with someone else?

Having sex with other people is going to make the hurt emotions around not having sex with each other worse, not better.