Hi! I’m a recent adopter of ENM and a long time lurker on this subreddit so please be kind if I misuse terminology or make mistakes in my reasoning regarding ENM.

My wife (30f) and I (29f) have decided to pursue ENM. She brought up the topic a couple of months ago by stating that she is interested in pursuing a fwb type situation. She likes the idea of being able to pursue people outside of our relationship and has not been allowed to act on those feelings in past relationships.

After researching and listening to her explain her reasons behind her feelings, I understood and agreed to try out ENM even though I didn’t plan on engaging in additional relationships myself (at this time). My anchor in this decision is that I get time and space to engage in my hobbies at home without her there. I am AUDHD and she is my first relationship and something I’ve continually struggled with is balancing time spent with my wife with time spent with my hobbies. By allowing her to pursue outside relationships, I am given the time and space to engage in my hobbies without distraction. (This is VERY important to me.) I am also open to a possibility of engaging in a fwb situation in the future.

Fast-forward to today. My wife has has a crush!!! And the woman is 100% her type, personality, looks wise, everything. She is starting to experience NRE and part of me is so happy because my wife is my best friend and seeing her have a crush is adorable and endearing. The other part of me is struggling with the friends with benefits definition.

My wife has explained many times that friendships are so important to her and she takes a friendship breakup hard if not harder than a romantic breakup. She doesn’t have strong ties to her family and feels that her friends have acted as her family throughout her life.

I’ve explained to my wife that I understand the sexual element of wanting to pursue someone you are attracted to outside of marriage. And I know that she can’t become sexually attracted to someone without establishing a friendship bond with them. What I don’t feel comfortable with is moving towards a polyamorous setup where she is pursuing whole relationships outside of our relationship. Also, I don’t know where the line between romance and friendship starts and stops and I fear that not having that defined will lead us down a path where she fully falls for someone and has to disengage from that relationship because of me leading to resentment on her end.

I understand the concept of the relationship escalator, but if my wife forms deep friendship bonds with another person then while there wouldn’t be dating, then kids, then marriage, how would that be any different than a couple who doesn’t want kids and doesn’t want to get married but are in a committed relationship with one another?

TLDR: I am struggling to see how my relationship with my wife would be different than a fwb. Both would involve a deep intimacy and bond, both involve love, and both would involve commitment. What’s the difference? Does there have to be a difference?