EDIT: As happened last week (in my post, linked below) a group of abusive members of /r/nonmonogamy have returned.

I came here with a specific question last week -and rather than answer that, they decided to do a deep dive on me and my relationship, and judge me, abusively. It was as if I came to a health forum, asking "I'd like to lose weight so I can look better, how do I do that?" and the majority response was "The problem isn't just that you're fat, you're also probably ugly and smelly, you stupid git. So even if you lose weight, it's not going to help you."

Not responsive to my question. Just abusive.

Even when I come back here, not asking any question at all - they follow in, to be mocking and abusive.

This is truly an unsafe community, and no one should come here. I came back to thank those few people who had helped me last week, and those people still have my gratitude. I'll not be back.

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Following this post last week.

We had the "You're out of bounds of our written agreement" conversation. It was particular to our situation. More generally, it went like this:

• We discussed what each of our understandings of our relationship was, and what constituted boundaries. We found - as we had last summer - that we did not agree on what these were. We discussed possible ways to find boundaries that both of us felt put us in a safe and growth-oriented relationship, and I was charged with finding more material on that, sharing it, and spearheading that effort.
• We discussed what each of us saw as our relationships goals. We found that these did not overlap.

Following the conversation, I determined that without shared relationship goals - i.e. how we each see our future as a couple in a primary relationship - coming to an understanding of what constitutes boundaries, when I could already see she was well beyond where I felt secure and I certainly wasn't going to pen her in, was not possible.

So I decided to sever our primary relationship. She is now practicing polyamorous relationship anarchy, where I think she is more comfortable in any case. And this frees my focus from supporting our relationship, to focussing on my own needs and growth. We both regard this as a non-primary relationship, which will continue at our mutual assent.

The lack of shared relationship goals was related to our non-overlapping understanding of our relationship boundaries. After this conversation, I again reflected on how blessed I was with a partner who both knew her mind, her wants, well - and was willing to frankly express them. It gives me confidence to respond and react, knowing that she doesn't change in a week because she didn't know what she actually wanted.

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My thanks to the three-four people in the previous post who directly addressed my question. I'm happy to answer (some,kindly) questions here regarding how the conversation went.