Update:

We had a long talk last week about what he’s been working on in therapy since last November. And apparently it’s been him coming to terms with the fact that he wants to open the relationship or change the rule set so that if (read: when) he fools around again, that it won’t be world ending to our relationship.

I told him that because he’s not giving me an option on his interaction with other people, that this feels like an ultimatum. He still maintains that this is just a conversation. It doesn’t feel like one. He’s spent all this time coming to terms with his feelings and thoughts and wanting everything to be just fine regardless that it really doesn’t feel like he’s considered me fully (or ethically) in this scenario.

This still comes across as nothing but selfishness, and isn’t presenting this in a way that would be good for our relationship. Just that he’s going to fool around with random people and he wants me to be ok with it.

Advice on talking points to help him see what’s going on here?

Previous post:

This might be a long post. Apologies in advance.

Last August, my husband came home after 4 months in Europe. During that time he had two long tours and about 6 weeks off in between. I visited for 2.5 of those weeks.

During that time, he was acting strange, I was having a hard time feeling connected with him while we traveled and he basically was the definition of narcissist. He wouldn’t post me on his Instagram or socials and claimed it was because he was trying to “build his brand” as a musician. Ok… but this was his personal account, not his professional account. He said he doesn’t use that because his personal account blew up and it’s pointless to try and get people to switch. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So, I go back home after our vacation. Now he has a month to travel alone and meet up with people he’s met from the first tour. All of them women, and most of the time they hosted him at their houses. Now, we never talked about this at all. We were not nor had we ever discussed being poly or open before this. He says nothing happened. I have no proof otherwise, but it didn’t feel good.

During this time away, he became increasingly hard to get in touch with (unless he needed money or for me to book something for him) and he became shady with me.

At the end of the tour, he ended up having an extra day off before his flight, and said he would face time me while he packed. Well, he didn’t. He had an affair with a groupie, didn’t tell me about it and came home to have unprotected sex with me.

This has caused many fights after I discovered the truth. I found secret messages and him talking about meeting up with her again and discussing our relationship with her.

We are currently working through it, but now he’s insisting we read “The Ethical Slut” which I’m happy to do. He said he’s felt “different” since before the pandemic, and that he never knew how to talk to me about it.

My question is- can a long time married monogamous couple that had a heartbreaking affair become a successful open relationship? Anyone have any positive stories?

TLDR: long time monogamous couple, husband cheated and now wants open relationship. Is this possible or just him looking for reasons to keep cheating?