My exbf (32M) and I (34F) lived together 2.5 years. About 6-8 months of our relationship we were monogamous, he brought up the idea of "seducing"/ dating a women together. While I was into the idea (I've had a threesome before) I felt our relationship was fresh and there were still aspects of intimacy and trust I wanted to build on. When I did finally embrace the idea we discussed the approach I found his approach problematic. He wanted to have a tinder account, basically presenting as if he was single, but then let someone know after chatting that he has a partner. I said no - that comes off manipulative and if someone does continue to pursue based on that arrangement I felt it would invite the wrong type of person/energy into our relationship.

After quite a struggle he agreed and put my photo on there and referred to me "my partner in last photo." I also had a bumble. He was not concerned with what I was doing and didn't really seem engaged when I shared I was talking to someone. When he brought someone up to me it would be "when it mattered" - instead of adhering to my request that I'd like some basic idea of who he was talking to. He would get frustrated "Well,I don't want to talk about this all the time, what's the point if it doesn't go anywhere?" and then when he did bring someone up to me, most of the time I was thrown off, either by the person (as it seemed like a poor match) or just situation of how he'd choose to discuss with me. My lack of enthusiasm in those moments would set him off and he would get unreasonably upset.

We ended up having two threesomes with a close friend of mine and after the second we invited her on a short vacation. Initially she was interested but then she declined.

He had continued to talk to a "friend" he had previously met through tinder before we started dating. He implied that she might be interested in us. I always felt he was not involving me/ fully disclosing the depth of their communication, and later find out he crossed some boundaries imo (sending her a photo of me without me knowing, asking questions about BDSM). He also tried inviting her on the trip we planned, but she declined. I still expected the trip to be sexy and romantic, but instead it wasn't. It basically felt like because there wasn't another woman there were had not excitement/ I felt undesirable.

That friend also turned out to not be aware that's why he was interested in hanging out with her, with all of us. There was one occasion where she wanted to do laundry at our place and go to the gym with us. I had been working all day and was very tired. He basically pressured me (yelling on the phone while I was at work that he wanted to leave so he could do whatever he wanted) into compromising so we could have her over. It ended up being a nice night, but she was unaware of the situation that he was interested in her ( although after seeing there texts exchanges I think it was pretty clear, he also tried inviting her over when I went out one night, but she declined - he never bothered to tell me about this, but said he would have if she had said yes)

Overall, it started to feel like we couldn't really have any healthy sexual relationship unless the possibility of someone else getting involved with us was also part of the relationship. Our sex was great at the beginning of the relationship and started to dwindle over the fights relating to our attempt at nonmonog. I really felt that our relationship and pleasing me should be just as exciting and important to him as the possibility of inviting someone to join us. Instead it felt like all of his "seduction" energy and pursuit was going elsewhere. Basically anywhere else but me. He insisted the fighting was causing problems with his libido and how he viewed me/attraction to me. That his use of tinder had nothing to do with it. I felt betrayed still.

On one occasion a woman he matched with said she wanted to see him but was not comfortable with meeting me. He asked if he could take her out to lunch. I said "fine ok and please let me know *when* this is happening" because I wanted to see how this would go for us. He was really pleased I said yes. Well, he didn't tell me, he told me after the fact that it happened - but my intuition told me it happened. I didn't freak out, but I told him I was simply bothered by the lack of communication. The after the fact style makes me uncomfortable, and adds to why I can fully embrace this. He said "I don't see myself being to distracted with her" and it didn't seem to ever go anywhere. Still we were having a lot of fights (over dumb domestic stuff like cleaning) and I felt emotionally and physically neglected, I was struggling with a job that was burning me out.

I told him to get off tinder so we can focus on our issues. his response "you're wrong but fine" I tried every which way to communicate that if I felt like we were strong and I felt good that would at least be baseline for me to be comfortable with exploring this. But why would I feel like a roommate/mom while he was doing whatever he wanted.

It basically felt like he was addicted to tinder. And while he did pretty much comply and honor not cheating on me or so I think, but he would tow the line.

We basically stopped having sex, I was suffering from depression and he insisted how miserable he was living with me and said he wanted his "freedom" if we couldn't figure things out.

He moved out in October, and have gone through small chunks of time talking less/seeing each other less but for the most part still continuing to see each other. And lately being more intimate again with each other. I know he is on tinder again, and when I've tried having a reasonable conversation about this he basically brings up all of our "baggage" and how he loves me but can't commit to investing himself again. I've tried communicating how I want to be able to explore nonmonogamy together, but I don't really want a DADT. I personally don't understand that - it's happening so why pretend it's not. I would be even more turned on if my partner was comfortable sharing details with me too. For whatever reason he absolutely won't.

This came as a problem one weekend, he stayed over with me, went and got brunch and I told him I wanted to do something outside/daytime activity with him and it bummed me out we had to part ways. We're part of an overlapping friends group and I get a text from a friend he went to mutual friends house with another woman shortly after he left.

When I tell him this upsets me he apologizes. He said he wanted to bike with her and she is just a friend. I said that's fine but it would have felt better knowing before hand, especially after I expressed how bummed out I was we weren't going to keep hanging. He said well, ok if you need me to share that is fine, but technically we're not together so there's no obligation, but the time we spend together is important to him and he wants me to know that.

(Other things I won't go into full detail about but that add to why we stopped living together...when he would get drunk he would get potentially threatening, he destroyed my room divider)

However, He has pretty much cut back on drinking, started therapy, and living a healthier lifestyle.

I struggle with completely letting go of any hope for us. When I've tried having a conversation about where things could be going he says he want "peace and doesn't want drama."

I feel really confused about how this relationship and my experiences have impacted my sense of ENM. I've mainly thought of myself as monogamous in the past, but in fact have carried out quite a few nonmonogamous relationships and like to believe I could feel comfortable with ENM. But then I get confused in thinking about the relationship described above if I wasn't fully secure that lead to a lot of problems? this person has basically been excommunicated from my life, all of my friends hate him for how he treated me, so I feel a great deal of shame/guilt still trying to find salvage something from this.

TL;DR I was in a relationship with someone where ENM went really sour/did not feel ethical and seem to come between us, but I also question if I should have just accepted that this is who he is things could have been better.