I need to vent/ask for advice regarding my current relationship and my partner. I am not fully sure it is okay for me to write here or would have been better in a bdsm / swingers subreddit. I honestly don't know because of the many problems involved. I thought to write in r/ BDSMadvice but he's reading there and I don't want to put even more weight on him (he knows everything of what i'm about to write tho)

From the start; I met my partner through feeld. Here (as I suppose maybe everywhere) is used mostly for open/non-mono/poly/bdsm type of encounters/meetings/relationships.

Everything went wonderfully from the start. We got a great feeling for each other, amazing communication about everyday life, feelings and in bed. A dream.

Something i think I've never felt in my life, honestly.

When we started dating I've put everything on the table: -I would like to go for a open relationship/ethical non-mono in a sexual direction. (Still confused about the two terms difference, sorry). -I'm into bdsm and specifically right now exploring shibari with other people (as a bunny) -I sell adult contents/services online

Cool beans, he said was all amazing and actually hot af. Nice, I thought was absolutely wonderful to finally find someone that was okay with these things (I do know some stuff are hard to accept, like the last one)

Sadly when our feelings got more intense things changed. Short after my first sexual encounter outside the relationship he said maybe he was not ready for it and he's not sure how to deal with jealousy. And I'm okay with it, I fully understand it. We are both newbie on this and makes totally sense. (i have more """knowledge""" on my side, as I've been sure of it for a longer time). To help him out I decided we can leave the open relationship to a later time and focus on ours solely. Without stress. While working on the jealousy.

He has some big traumas about getting cheated on and people not telling the true to him, so I do understand. He started to go to therapy at this point, to help untangle everything.

Fastforward some more weeks, he needs to talk again, this time about my shibari hobby. He doesn't like the idea of me being tied up by other people, even if there is no sexual intent to it. He goes in full crisis/overthinking loops and anxiety about it. I said okay, I can stop that also. He's learning how to tie and so I thought, could be also okay. Until he works out his stuff with therapy. He's truly not doing well in general.

Fastforward a month; my side husstle of selling stuff online also makes him jealous and insecure. Eventho he did content with me, was fully into the loop, I made him part of my daily routine as decided together (I asked him at the start if he wanted to know or not).

I got angry. I am still very angry. For all three situations we tried to come up with mid solutions that could work for both. But nothing was okay and he kept going crazy about these things. At the end I had to drop all three things to make him more chill.

But not I feel spent. I'm very sexual, i love connecting with people in a more intimate way. I love exploring. I loved doing shibari and now I don't wanna even hear the word. I loved doing my side job, for the extra coins, for the fun of making stuff, organizing, planning my days, made me feel great in my body. It was a hobby and a fulfilling thing.

Now I spend my days doing nothing. Maybe is a transitory moment until I find new things. But I hate that I'm full of hate and resentment because of this. I just want to scream.

I tried to ask him if he wanted to explore sexuality together, if as solos was scaring him. Suggestions like swingers, going to bdsm parties, threesomes, sex in front of people, etc could have been an option. But nope. He got to the conclusion that he's extremely possessive of me and jealous. He hates that but also doesn't know how to change it.

Now I don't know what to do, and he doesn't know either. We have strong feelings for each other, we love each other. The time I spend with him is absolutely wonderful. But this huge problem is always poking around, doesn't matter if we talk about it for hours or ignore it.

I'm truly leaning toward a more non-mono style of life, especially also because of my kinks. And he's such in a dark space right that doesn't know what he truly wants, and what right now shows off is just the total opposite. Possessive, mono, "no one can see my partner", scared that he's not enough for me,.scared that I'm looking for someone else.

He doesn't like that either. He hates himself for what "he did" to me. As I hate myself for letting him and letting myself cancel my own things.

We are pushing through because we both hope that therapy will help a bit, as he has never properly done anything and this is the first time that everything comes out. (I'm going to therapy since years already, working on my side of shits)

But also, we don't know if it is worth keep going. Is this a relationship without hope? Or it is just matter of pushing through and keep working on it together?

TDLR: i started my relationship with three """conditions""" and all three got turned down by my partner down the line, but not with an evil intent. We are both very comunicative about it but seems like there is no solution in between

Mods, if you feel like this should not belong here, feel free to delete and I apologise. :)

Thank you and sorry for the long text