This is the second time I write this post without actually sharing it. First time around I was venting, went into details and ended up being long af. By the time I was done, I had relaxed and no longer felt the need. This time I’m calm and keeping it short-ish?, I can provide details if asked. Here we go.

My (32M) partner (32F) of 9 years cheated on me “once” last year in August. I found out, we talked it out, all was forgiven. It happened again, I found out on Valentines Day this year, but she said they had restarted around November. This time though, she explained there were feelings involved.

It’s April now. I’ve read a lot on Polyamory and ENM. While I despise the way we got here, through lies and infidelity, I decided to propose ENM. I love her. A lot. We have a child and have built a home together over the past 7 years. So I thought keeping her at her happiest could help our relationship as well, “setting yourself on fire to keep another warm” as I read in a post here.

I’m not opposed to ENM, swinging, poly, but it wasn’t planned or discussed prior to starting. While I’m learning about this, how it makes me feel, discussing boundaries, she’s already in a relationship. She’s running a bike race and I’m in training wheels.

There are days where I’m feeling jealous, insecure, losing sleep. I, justifiably IMO, don’t completely trust what she says they do or don’t do. There are other days I’m fine, encouraging her emotional growth, yearning to have something similar for myself. Is this emotional carrousel something any of you have gone through? Are there tips, suggestions you may have? I have a therapist appointment in 2 weeks, hopefully that will help too.