Last June I (50M) met S (41F), and we hit it off immediately. She was dating a friend of mine J.

We started dating, it was incredibly natural and strong, grew into a loving, solid thruple with my other partner. She even brought me to meet her parents for Christmas lunch.

SO strong. Lots of love. Strongest in two decades for me. Absolutely mutual. Other partner T had a lot of love for her too.

Then February, her son hit a tragedy when his friend ended himself. S needed time and space to help him. Okay. Here when you need me.

Struggling with a new phone, I get a message that a message had been deleted from her. Immediately I respond to see how she is doing. Doing fine. No problems.

By the end of February she is distant. No time for me. Something amiss. Then on a Tuesday, ‘I know you don’t like awkward conversations, but I have one to a decision. Let’s talk on Saturday.’

Meanwhile seeing J three times a week, me less than one.

Then she gets tonsillitis, so Saturday doesn’t happen either, and she can’t speak.

I start to overthink what could be wrong, freak out internally and ask questions badly in the dark.

Eventually - via text - find out that she had sent a message in February that she was struggling and needed hugs. She thought that I read it and deliberately ignored it, and that that was my statement that our relationship was not one of emotional support.

Of course I ask ‘What message?’, she tells me of February’s message. I state that I never received that message. Never saw it. Plenty of sorrow and compassion for what she must have gone through over it, but I think she still believes that I ignored the message, and am lying about it.

She has acknowledged that she could have read it wrong, but said that by now she has built up a narrative about me that I am the kind of guy who would fake a relationship then flake out when I was needed for support.

She ramped it up with J, declared their relationship on Facebook, she says she has no time because of family matters, but sees J three times a week.

When we could talk, we did, she’s keen to see me once a fortnight, for social events and sex, even sex parties, so not a total loss.

But still I feel heavy hammer blows to my chest with what can only be described as heartbreak. I was downgraded, feels like a breakup, and I was the last to know.

When we catch up, it is SO good, SUCH a fun time that the last thing I want to do is talk heavy. Once a fortnight is not frequent enough to do both.

I have asked for more, but she seems to check with J and see him instead, so it’s a fresh rejection every time.

So what can I do? I want to support her and J, but I want our emotional connection back. To show her that I am there for her, and she can tell me anything, and I’ll support her.

What to do?