Hey all,

My partner (37M) and I (34X) recently came to the mutual realization that we'd both be happier with the ability to explore nonmonogamy, and have begun the process of discussions and setting rules. However, over the course of our initial talks, it seems fairly clear to me that my partner is primarily interested in opportunities to act on physical attraction in moments as they come up, and I'm also somewhat interested in that but also in bonding with other people or finding new ways to interact with people I already know with whom I have shared attractions. My partner is already jealous of several of my friendships that have traditionally been flirty. I thought that discussions of opening things up would alleviate some of that, but it seems to have gotten worse to the point where he wants to establish a ground rule where neither of us can get involved (sexually/romantically) with anyone we have sexual/romantic history with that predates our relationship/agreement.

Is this a reasonable thing for my partner to ask for? He says involvement with old flames is "too messy" but I also know that he views some people in my life as threats (unjustified). I can't tell whether his concern comes from a place of genuine concern or a desire to control me. It's my impression that he thinks I'm going to leave him for someone from my past which is not at all what I want. I just want to flexibility to explore flirtations with comfortable people in my life as well as new people. He just wants new people.

I want us to respect each other's wishes, but also respect each other as people. I don't think he will have any trouble getting what he wants/needs by way of random hookups, but I don't know that I'll feel fulfilled if I'm not allowed to explore old connections in new ways. I have a fair bit of trauma and don't trust new people easily, so it feels safer and healthier for me to at least have the option of casual sex with people I already trust.

(As a note, it seems like he's trying to find ways to cherrypick within his own proposed rule as well, because there were certain of my friends I mentioned having an interest in, and he only reacted poorly to the idea of certain ones: specifically, those with penises, which makes me a bit skeptical.)

So: Does it seem reasonable to establish a "no old flames" rule, or is this a red flag?