So, a bit of a context, me (20F) and my bf (21M) are together for 4y. More than a year ago, we decided to open our relationship. My bf had a lot of mental issues due to his previous girlfriend (she cheated on him more than 30 times on a prom trip) and because of his lack of experience (he had only kissed 3 girls in his entire life). And im young so i wanted to “enjoy” my youth and, manly, bc i wanted to help my bf work through this hard phase since i knew he would only overcome it by doing it, kissing a lot of girls. So he did it. He went to a party, kissed several girls, overcame his self-esteem issue. I kissed one guy from my college, but that’s it. I didn’t like it.

My bf had a previous best friend (let’s call him boy B). They are no longer friends bc of a fight they had in the past. Me and boy B were friends since before me and my bf started to date, but we stopped talking bc we were at different places at that time. We always had a good connection so i asked my bf if i could hook up with boy B. My bf said it was fine so i started to chat again with boy B. I spent several nights chatting and calling him. I felt in love, completely. i started to think about him all the time, dream about him every night.

My bf wanted to make things right with boy B so they met to talk, but it didn’t solve things. They didn’t want to be friends again. So, my bf asked me to not hook up with boy B. But i was already too emotionally involved so i wanted to be at least friends with him.

I went to boy’s B house. We had an amazing time together. We connect very very well and the chemistry between us is surreal. I didn’t kiss him but we almost did a lot of times. His desire for me only made me go crazy, so i said i needed a break from our friendship bc i couldn’t handle it. He gave my space for a couple weeks but he said he wasn’t going to give up on me, on what we have. He said he was in love too.

Don’t get me wrong, i love my bf, i really do. It would be stupid to switch love for passion so that’s why i did what i did. I admitted to my bf that i was in love with boy B. I was extremely transparent about every shit with everyone. My bf agreed that stop talking to boy B was the best solution. But it didn’t last long. Me and boy B started to chat and seeing again bc we missed each other.

Let’s skip for last week. I was planning on meeting boy B at friday. I was ok, i was happy, having a nice week knowing that i would see boy B soon. So on wednesday my friend from college went to my place for us to study and smoke together. Later that night he admitted have feelings for me and that made me go crazy. I said i didn’t correspond his feelings and he got sad obviously. That fucking broke my heart and made me really mad about myself. It seems to be a cycle. I start talking to a guy, we become good friends, he starts to develop feelings, i cut him (or life makes me do it when i want to correspond this feelings) and then i lose them. Every fucking time is the same story. It happened before with my best friend and i fucking lost him. its happening again with boy B and i know it was a matter of time until he got away too. My mind started to break.

On thursday, me and my bf were chatting and we started to talk about those things. He said it is really mean to allow a guy to be your friend when you know he has feelings for you, bc he’s just there bc of hope that someday he’ll get the girl. We started talking about my relationship with Boy B and i had a breakdown. My mind completely broke into several pieces. My bf started to console me about being in love with boy B and do nothing about it. I felt soo pathetic and soo guilty for making everyone in this story pass through this situation. I mean look at that shit! My own BOYFRIEND was consoling me FOR BEEING IN LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE and i know the pain and frustration boy B was feeling for not having me, specially bc we both wanted. My boyfriend said that we could try polyamory for me to explore my feelings with boy B but i got so so scared, bc he said that the probability of our relationship end was huge once we got in it and he would allow himself to like someone else too. I have a problem with the beginning of the relationship bc my bf had to force himself into liking me and seeing him doing that spontaneously for another girl would kill me.

I spent the whole night awake, trying to get out of this limb i had created. My bf said if went to boy’s B house on the other day that would mean that now we were trying to be poli. I got fucking scared and canceled things with boy B on friday morning. He got confused and i said i needed a time again bc i wasn’t doing well, that my head was such a mess.

I saw my bf on friday, we chatted a bit more. I said i wanted to close our relationship again bc i really don’t think i can involve myself with someone else without developing feelings or having some kind of relationship with the person (im not saying i have to date him, just be at least friends with it). A casual relationship (like one night stands) its just simply not attractive to me.

And now im here. Trying to understand myself. Thinking if my decision was right. Was i coward or smart? I mean, what i want for now (boy B) its not what i want for my future (my bf) and im really really trying to pass through this phase and forgetting about boy B. Idk if that’s possible. I feel like whatever i choose, ill lose. I already made my decision by meeting my bf instead on boy B on friday. Still, i can’t stop thinking about it, about everything, about my feelings and goals.

My mind is broken.