Hi. I am really spiraling and I have no one to talk to about this

Last night I hooked up with this boy from grindr and I didn't explicitly tell my boyfriend I was going to hook up with the guy. I was texting him and keeping him updated but like I dont think I did enough

I had been talking to him about wanting to hook up with someone because like I dont do anything outside of our relationship but he has a few other partners so like, I just wanted to feel more normal. But my reasoning isn't important

I also like did oral on the guy and I didn't know that was also an std risk. We didn't actually have sex

My boyfriend is really angry with me and feels like I'm untrustworthy and I dont care about him and he said he feels less secure in our relationship. Like there is no excuse for me not knowing about the std thing, like I'm an adult. My bf has much more experience than me like he is the only person I've ever dated (I am 26 he's 27)

I dont know what to do. I know it was stupid and like I feel so sick. I know I will never do this again but I say that a lot so that just makes my bf angrier when I say things like that. I just frequently like dont think things through all the way. My boyfriend called earlier and said he wanted to hook up with his ex and I feel like he is just doing that to hurt me because he's mad at me and knows it will hurt me

Like I cant eat I cant do anything. Sorry this is a mess of a post but does anyone have any advice?

Like I know if I ever do anything outside of our relationship again (this was my first time doing this) I won't ever make the same mistakes and I will be so careful but like thags just not good enough. I dont even want to do anything with anyone else anymore like the risk is just like not at all worth it because I love him so much and dont want to lose him. Like him saying he feels like I dont care about him hurts me so bad I feel like I'm just evil and there's nothing I can do