Me and my partner have been together for almost a year now, we opened up pretty early on and we both have previous experience.....not great experience, but experience lol.

I've experienced a lot of trauma in past relationships due to infidelity, established boundaries not being respected, being compared to other partners, being criticized by other partners, etc. I also grew up with childhood trauma/abandonment issues....sooooo like jealousy has always been a struggle for me and compersion has been a rare occurrence for me (but when compersion hits, woooooow is it great!).

However, I'm just now after a 10 year hiatus from "the scene" to work on my trauma and do some inner work, coming back in, going to play parties and sex clubs and such, and also trying to get another steady partner. I'm really taking advantage of this because I really need a lot of attention in order to be happy socially.

Sometimes I have fantasies of my partner with other people (no one specific), sometimes I fantasize that we go to a sex club and I get to watch my partner with other people, sometimes I want them to tell me about their sexual encounters with other people....sometimes I even fantasize about me being involved. Anyways, I kind of want to explore this with my partner and make it a reality, but like....will all the work I did be enough? I keep asking myself that. I don't want to fuck this relationship up with my own baggage you know?, it's the best I've had so far and it took me 7 long years of being single to find it lol. Any advice?

Also, does anyone even know WHY I even feel this way? lol, like why does this turn me on so much, I don't get it.

EDIT: I said fuck it and took my partner to a sex club, lol ironically enough it just lifted a ton of anxiety for me. We talked before we started playing with anyone to establish boundaries and I watched them play with someone else, we both clearly had a ton of fun and I didn't even feel a hint of jealousy.