My partner and I have dabbled in different forms on ENM for the last year. Mainly swinging but also solo play on his side.

Personally I feel he leans poly, in the sense that he wants multiple relationships as he needs a mental connection with someone to find them sexually attractive. He somewhat denies this. He agrees he needs the connection but denies he needs a romantic relationship with the person. Yet the way he describes what he wants sounds that way to me. He wants someone he enjoys spending time with outside of just sex and also has a sexual relationship with.

I have no desire for romantic relationships outside of him. But I am very open to hook ups and swinging.

We have been closed and monogamous for the last few months due to a very emotional falling out last summer we have been working on repairing. If we reopen the non monogamy im not sure what that would look like but probably similar to how it was before as I have no interest in being polyamorous or regular solo play for myself. But the option is there if I want it. I’d like to make it clear I’m fine with him having casual solo play but I’m not okay with him having other committed romantic relationships.

A large point of contention seems to be that moving forward with nonmonogamy in any sense change our dynamic. I feel it very much will change our dynamic and he disagrees. I’m not saying the change would be bad or good but a change will happen and I feel we should prepare for that as much as possible. He doesn’t feel a change should happen so he sees no need to prepare.

This is my reasoning based on our previous experiences and what I know about myself. We are in our late 30s with kids. Our time and energy are limited. He requires a great deal of my time and attention to feel connected to me due to the way his love language works.

If we divide up the time we have to put our efforts elsewhere that will shift. If he is going out on dates/evenings/weekends with others I will find ways to fill my time without him. I think he will expect me to only make plans when he has already made plans. Which leaves me feeling like a second class person in the relationship, like his wants have to always come before mine. He also tends to get very enamored with new people and has not been the best in the past of continuing to give me attention throughout that phase. I feel this is something easily remedied with communication and boundaries. However when he doesn’t even acknowledge that our dynamic will shift I don’t know how to even establish the communication and boundaries.

There are other issues such as he doesn’t feel there’s even a chance he could fall in love with someone else more than he loves me. Which I think is naïve because no one can control their feelings just their behaviors. Or that he doesn’t understand why I don’t think he can love multiple people. He doesn’t seem to understand that I do think he can and others can love multiple people at once that’s just not a dynamic I want to participate in as it’s not something I have any desire for myself or think I could even do. I don’t have the bandwidth to manage multiple romantic partners for myself or to cope with my partner being in love with others. But if the basic understanding of this changing our dynamic can’t be agreed upon and discussed than moving forward with any of these other conversations is pointless.

Any advice to help us get on the same page is appreciated.

UPDATE: Thanks for all the advice. My partner and I have talked more. We are finding common ground and gaining a better understanding of what we are both looking for. I feel we are on the right track.