I’m feeling a bit weird about something and am hoping for advice or insight. Or, you know, gentle chastisement would be fine also.
My husband and I opened things up a few years ago and it’s been going well. He has a few people he sees regularly, and I’ve been involved with the same guy for just about two years now. The problem I’m having is with this secondary partner of mine.
We were friends for the better part of a decade before getting romantically involved, and although I always liked him, I saw some not great patterns in the way he interacted with his girlfriends. He had a tendency to randomly withdraw, usually when he was struggling with his mental health - he’d get suddenly very quiet and then stop replying to texts or phone calls for a few days. It can be very alarming. The more his girlfriends pursued him when this happened, the more he would withdraw.
So, I knew about this going in, was prepared to be accepting of it, but…it hasn’t been a problem. I have a full-time partner and so don’t need to rely on him the same way I would in a monogamous relationship, and I think maybe the lack of pressure has made him feel a lot more comfortable. For whatever reason, he’s been very good about giving me a heads up when he thinks he might be out of touch for a bit. This week is the first time in two years that he hasn’t done that. I got the impression that he’s been feeling a bit down, so I messaged him on Friday to ask if he’d like a little space. He saw the message, did not reply, and hasn’t been online since.
I’m worried. I want to respect his space, but this feels very weird and unsettling. It’s very, very unusual for us not to at least shoot each other a good morning text or check in about the hockey game.
We had planned to see each other on Wednesday, but didn’t pin down anything concrete. I don’t know if that’s still on.
I’m trying very hard to be chill, but I am not a chill person. I’ve had a few close calls with suicidal friends, so the combination of low-level depression and sudden silence is ringing alarm bells that probably don’t need to be rung, but I don’t know how to shut them up. I’m not sure if I have the right to check on him when he’s clearly not wanting to talk, but I do want to know that he’s ok.
If anyone can give me some advice here (even if that advice is just, “You’re being crazy, it’s only been two days, calm the fuck down.”) I would really appreciate that.