2 years ago, my wife told me she wanted to pursue women again. We took a year to think it through, establish boundaries, define goals and develop strategies to keep our marriage solid. Ultimately, she wants to have a wife and a husband and have us all be in love; a true non-hierarchical triad. After about a year, we gave it a go. We made mistakes the first few months. We adjusted our boundaries and tried new strategies. Also about a year-ish ago, we started seeing a LBGQT /poly couples therapist.

We decided to engage in a parallel, hierarchical model until one of our girlfriends decides she wants to meet the other spouse.

My wife has been dating for several months. I was reluctant. I've always been loyal and faithful (even though my wife has not been) our entire marriage. I wasn't even sure that I would be able to really open up my heart to more than her, but I was willing to try...for her. I got on Tinder and matched a few potentials, but as soon as I tried to setup a date, I would become overwhelmed by guilt. My wife reassured me that it was OK and that it wasn't cheating. I kinda forced myself to go on a few dates. I would have a good time, but I was holding back.

And then I met Jane Doe (not using real names for obvious reasons). I really thought I was being catfished. Jane was so pretty. I mean, just gorgeous. I have measures in place to protect from this. She verified. Then we met and she was little bigger than her pictures, but she was real. I took her to dinner and instantly a connection was made. She was open and vulnerable, she had been mistreated by men and women in the past. A beautiful person who has been used by many and it broke my heart. Over time, I really started to have strong feelings for her. It was so fast and so reckless. I'm a logic-driver person, and something inside kept telling me to reign in my emotions. I kept thinking, "This can't be real." But she had gotten into my emotional side, some where only my wife was able to make it to.

On Wednesday, she told me she was falling in love with me. And that released something in me that finally allowed me to do the same. I was actually starting to fall for Jane. Then all day yesterday, she ghosted me, even though I could see she was active on social media. I was perplexed.

Last night, she ripped my heart out. The realization of falling in love has triggered fear in her from all the abuse from the past and she abruptly ended things. I was so unprepared for this. I was working so hard trying to allow myself to love someone new that I neglected to protect my heart. I was so foolish.