I guess this would be the best sub to be in for this. I suffer RSD pretty badly. I have broken up with a partner today (I'll call them J) after nearly 2 years. Essentially we shared a partner, who is their nesting partner, we will call them M. I'm still with M as they've done very little wrong in the situation AFAIK, but maybe I'm wrong.

For the first year and a half of our relationship, once NRE had quickly died down, J discovered even before M and I were dating that M was happier, less likely to suffer symptoms of their multiple mental illnesses, and worse, more likely to want sex if i was around. Unfortunately this lead to my presence being used on visits for J to have sexual access to M that M wouldn't usually be up for and resulted in many threesomes in which I was sat on the end of the bed waiting for the two of them to remember I existed. (For context, J is the only one who is AMAB out of the 3 of us). J would not be interested in sex with me unless M was also participating and sex ended when J finished in M, no other way. We got next to no alone time: I had to beg/reveal I was feeling neglected before effort would be made.

I have BPD also so this was not sustainable. A while back I explained properly what had been happening and how it had been impacting me and asked for J to expect a little less commitment from me while I got over it, but today it came to a head and I had to end the relationship despite J being very remorseful and willing to change. The memory of being used and left on the fringes was way too much so I asked to break up.

I'm currently stuck in the house with my nesting partner F and their monogamous LD partner A. Being mono and LD A is very clingy to F and F has responded by giving me very limited affection while A is around- won't hold me too long or kiss me other than a peck. They've spent the last 2 weeks together except for a single night that was booked long before this visit where I had to state twice that I wanted F to spend the night with me afterwards- we were going to see a music artist that is very precious and cathartic to us and I didn't want to be left to sleep alone after that. It was left up to me to put my foot down and say that I wasn't giving up that night, as I said, twice. F basically left it up to me to have the last word rather than defending my boundary to A and I was forced to say that either I'd have company that night at the place we were staying, or I'd be taking the two to three hour train home in the dead of night. I'd paid for everything (food, tickets, merch, travel) and I was not just getting shoved in a guest room by myself. F and A both relented but not without a lot of 'A is so sad but understanding'.

Essentially I've told F that I've broken up with J, but until they can give me actual wholehearted support as they would if A was not here, I don't want it. I don't want to be crying into my partner's arms about being a third wheel while they check their watch over my sobbing head in case they've spent too long looking after me and have to go back and give A their Allotted Attention. I've got to survive being essentially their housemate that they cuddle and kiss a bit sometimes for at least another few days, and I can't even stand that right now. All I want is to be prioritised by SOMEONE.

So I have 3 partners left- one is in a different continent, one is nested with the person I've just broken up with, and the other wants to help but doesn't get that a quick 5 minute cuddle where A can't see isn't good enough. I'm not the sort of person to talk about my romance issues with my friends, especially not those that spend time with the partners I would talk about, which most are. I'm feeling very alone.

I hate being polyam in times like this. Thanks for reading this far if you did. Idk if any advice can help or if I'll leave this up. I just needed to get it out.