I use to deliver food and make absolute shit pay. But I had this like... breaking moment where I couldn't do "it" anymore.

I let go completely and stopped caring what people thought. And life is meaningless as an atheist. For two months or so things were really good. I looked people in the eyes. Wasn't afraid of anything. Spoke my mind. Asked for free food and actually got it multiple times. Dressed like an idiot, danced in public. Flirted with women while I had a food delivery bag in my hand (before I would have been ashamed of how much of a loser I was)

It was bizarre. Like the world kind of got out of my way. And my problems just... weren't that big of a deal.

Then I started calling competitors of my freelance business. I thought "fuck it. Let's collaborate!"

Next thing I know i landed a job. Although the interview challenge was extremely stressful. I wanted the job and I think I had relapsed back into caring about all the bullshit. This was about 3 months into my "nihilist" experience.

Anyways. Got the job. And I was mostly back into this "fuck it" mentality. And slowly I think... covid and my job have pulled me back into this hell.

And I think I realized I may have never been a nihilist at all. I cared a lot about not catching covid. I'm very unhappy at my job but I'm too afraid to quit and try my hand at freelancing again and end up driving for uber again.

It's like my job.... or having something to lose makes it harder to let go and just live and go with the flow.

It's like I'm a dysfunctional nihilist. I know life is meaningless. But... I still cling to my bullshit job and am a pathetic coward that cares deeply what people think.

I want to go back to the way I was when delivering food, but not have to deliver food lol.