A few weeks ago I “lead” my first Trad climb, which is where you put all your protection into the wall yourself. If you fuck it up and fall, you die.

The normal me would have been scared shitless, but I didn’t really care. I even got to a spot where I had to adjust the piece for a few minutes and I couldn’t get it right. I was getting tired, but there wasn’t any panic.

And today I did a climb called “plumbers crack” in Kraft. It’s a good 25 foot fall, and again, there was no “head game” that I had to deal with. It was just “okay put my hand here, foot here. Pull” etc.

I’m just noticing I don’t react to fear or danger like I use to. I don’t even think my heart rate rose at all from nervousness. Maybe that’ll change when I get out of my funk.

Anyways. Just a shit post. I’ve been “nihilist” for a while in my head, but I was afraid of death and that made me feel like I wasn’t a nihilist because why be afraid if life is meaningless?