The Offseason is the time of vacations. In the spirit of trips, instead of arguing over which team is better or will win more games, let's have a completely subjective and arbitrary ranking of all the teams based upon everything EXCEPT the team. Beer prices? Obviously. Jerseys? For sure. How fun the city is? Duh.

Let's go worst to best because I prefer pain and thus like to talk about things I hate. No I'm not an Eagles fan.

The Shit Hole:

32) Cleveland Browns

Honestly if any of you disagree then I recommend seeing a therapist and a vacation travel planner. I've never heard a single person say they visited, wanted to go to, or enjoyed anything about Cleveland. I knew a guy who moved there for work and lived in a swanky downtown place and after 9 months asked for a demotion just so he could transfer out. Their uniforms are brown, the mascot is a... man? old man? Color? They don't even have something unique to claim like the Bengals with skyline chili, or the Packers with alcoholism, it's just cold and shitty and fans have to buy ugly ass uniforms and swag and they have to deal with Ohio State fans, and c'mon is there anything worse than that? Listed as the 6th worst city in the US by some guy named John on the internet, yet also the 28th most expensive cost of living in the US, more expensive than places like tampa, atlanta, phoenix, etc. Now I'll admit seeing they are 10th cheapest for beer prices at the stadium was surprising. Good for them... But I guess they have a lot to drink to forget.

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The Suck Squad:

31) Detroit Lions

Sorry to do this. I'm on the Lions hype train this year. I may or may not have bitten a few knee caps in excited solidarity. But this list is everything BESIDES on the field. And despite what you Lion fans say, I literally see Detroit on every list of worst cities. In fact, John on the internet has you as the number 1 worst city (hey you finally won something!!!) . In a probably related study, Detroit is last on america's happiest cities rating. But, that being said, they do have a lot of ancillary things going for them. They are tied for cheapest beer in the whole league. Theyhave dope unis. And they aren't cleveland.

30) Philadelphia Eagles

I hear batteries whizzing my way already. But you know what, if there is anything Eagles fans respect, it's blunt, honest, hatred. so bring it on. Your city fucking sucks. Philly magazine called it the worst smelling city in america. It's 20th most expensive cost of living, despite being ranked 148th in happiness. That's right, people in Bakersfield CA are happier than you. Have you ever been to Bakersfield? To add insult to injury, the beer at Eagles games is the most expensive in the entire league. Good thing Eagles fans are blackout before kickoff anyway. While I want to, I can't detract points for your uniforms because apparently some colorblind people on this sub actually like the green black monstrosities. Philly isn't all bad, though. There is some rich history in the city, cheesesteaks obviously kick ass, and... yea...

29) Baltimore Ravens

Call me a homer, call me crazy, but there is actually a reason why Baltimore is ahead of Philly. You can buy 7 beers at a Ravens game for the cost of 4 at an Eagles game. That's pretty much the only reason, though, as otherwise they largely are the same. Baltimore is 150th in happiness, while being 35th in most expensive. There are large parts of the city you don't want to go to. But the inner harbor is nice, the aquarium and the blue crab cakes slap, and the Ravens all black unis are one of the best in the league. Plus, you probably wont get murdered by a Ravens fan, unlike an Eagles fan. You might get murdered by a Ravens player, tho

28) Green Bay Packers

The only reason Green Bay is higher on this list than any of the previous 4 cities is because alcohol is so cheap there. Not at the stadium, they rank about average there, but literally anywhere else in the city. Booze is so cheap because there is literally fuck-all to do in Green Bay. It's an insult to every other team to even call Green Bay a city. The scoreboard is the highest object in the entire village. I think I saw one building over 2 stories tall besides the stadium, and it was a parking garage. It gets so cold for 6 months all they can do is sit inside and drink. At least you don't have to worry about getting shanked while walking around, though. BTW, your uniforms are hideous. I know you think you look good walking around in your jerseys and gear, but when you consider camo to be formal attire, I think your sense of fashion might be a little off.

27) Buffalo Bills

If anyone wants to swap places on this list between the Bills and the Packers, go for it. Buffalo is cold as fuck, 121st in happiness while being 23rd most expensive. But, beer at the game is average priced, which is nice, and the tailgates apparently get wild. Given it's a sizeable city, I imagine that there are actual entertainment options - and neighbors are quite friendly according to Josh Allen. As a bonus, the jerseys are sweet.

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The "SOME People Like Living There, at Least" Locales

26) Cincinnati Bengals

The fact that you have the 4th cheapest beer at any NFL stadium is the only reason you didn't make the Suck Squad list. Well, that and you have dope uniforms. The white white top bottom with orange helmets look is equal parts sexy, unique, and classy. Which really, is everything you could want in a wife too but we all know most of us at r/nfl are virgins or settled for the fat chick who hit on us in english class. Also - you are less than a 2 hour drive to whiskey row in Louisville, which must be nice. Cowboys fans drive 2 hours during rush hour and make it from the Cowboys stadium in Arlington back to their house. Okay enough positive things about you. Let's move on to the negatives cuz that's way more fun.

Firstly, skyline chili, or cincinnati chili, idgaf if there's a difference, they are both abominations. No, shut the fuck up. They are abominations. You know where actual Italian and Greek chefs immigrated and settled? Yea, not fucking Cincy. Don't give me that bullshit that "oh it's a foreign cuisine mixed with the unique local blah blah blah". No, it's just depressed midwest Ohioans who can't get any fresh quality ingredients saying, fuck it, lets just make pasta and put fuckall on top. Wait, is it supposed to taste sweet? yea cool definitely pasta should taste like that... wait wait we can still make improvements, maybe throw a can of shitty chili on top, yea that's the stuff." Alright now that we've settled that debate, I'll also just throw this nugget in there that I knew someone who lived in Cincy for like idk 5 years as a kid, and always wanted to go back, because he had fond memories. (sweet, naive kids, amirite?) So i was like oh okay, what's your itinerary? And literally the highlight of the trip was some concrete slide. Like, okay you can see the river, but if the best you have for me is a fucking stone slide, then your city sucks.

tl;dr - the only reason they aren't way fucking down on the list is because for some reason a few people actually like cincy. I think it's like stockholm syndrome with a hostage situation. Like, only 1% of people are going to fall in love with their hostage taker, but hey it's a mental situation and there are some people who love Cincy. Good luck to them

Tied 23-25th place) Atlanta Falcons, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Indianapolis Colts

Honestly I don't know if these three are realistically different for anyone living there. Like, you don't hate your life, but you clearly aren't living your dreams. Indy has nicer suburbs, Atlanta has better winters, Pittsburgh has a nicer skyline, Indy has better events, Atlanta has closer proximity to beaches, Pittsburgh is in the top 100 for happiest cities, Indy has dope uniforms, Pittsburgh has more city unity, Atlanta has cheaper stadium beers, yada yada yada. (for all you midwest lovers - i mean REAL beaches, not some great lakes sand where it's too cold to swim for 11.5 months out of the year)I could go on for each city with minor positives. The same type of positives you try to tell yourself when your boss only gives you a 1% raise and inflation is double digits. Like, yea it kinda sucks, but I could be homeless...

22) Washington Commanders

If you are poor, then Atlanta, Indy, and Pittsburgh should be higher on the list. If you are rich, DC is higher on the list. Now that I have that disclaimer out of the way... DC is a tale of extremes. It has some of the best museums and cultural activities in the country. It also has one of the worst jerseys in the league, beers are 11 bucks, and you are surrounded by political BS. If it wasn't for the jobs that come with the capital location, I wonder how many people would actually want to live here....

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They Got Somethin Goin For Them Teams

As we move from crappy to less crappy, the list of reasons will obviously start focusing more on positives than negatives. Yes, Packers fans, that means the entirety of the positives about your city was summed up in like one sentence. No, i don't count your proximity to the UP as a positive, considering you dont even like yoopers.

21) Kansas City Chiefs

Mid color scheme, mid beer prices, middle of the country. The best thing KC has going for them is that there really isn't too much that's bad about KC. Like, I'm not sure you'd want to travel there for fun, which is why it's further down on the list than the remaining cities, but you also never really hear anyone complain about KC. And hey, consistent decency isn't the worst thing in the world. You know, that would be a pretty great city slogan: KC, Consistent Decency. It even rhymes.

20) Jacksonville Jaguars

To be fair, I have heard a handful of people complain about Jax. But, it's not so bad. Close to some decent beaches, good weather, and hey usually you gotta pay a lot of money to live in a place like that. But Jacksonville is only the 68th most expensive city in the USA. Cheaper than places like Albuquerque and Columbus. Cmon, you are telling me I can sit on a beach drinking, wearing my decent lookin team jersey, and it costs less than both the most boring place on earth, and less than Ohio's butthole? (see the whole state of Ohio is ass, and columbus being both in the center, and also where OSU resides, makes it the butthole. Thanks for coming to my TED talk).

19) New Orleans Saints

Very high ceiling, very very low floor. Like, you are either going to have the time of your life, eating amazing food, drinks, and listening to sweet sweet jazz, or you are going to blackout, get robbed, and/or potentially die in a flood. Hell, sometimes that high and low happens in back to back days. I subtracted points for your very high price of beer at the stadium, but added points for the nice unis, so it evened out.

18) Chicago Bears

'Violence in Chicago worse than war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan' - Chicago Sun Times.

"But... but that's just in one bad part of the city," you sputter over your malort. "That's not even really Chicago," you choke out over your jibarito. "The REAL city of Chicago is amazing, this list sucks," you wheeze as the smoke from your burning Boeing corporate tee fills your 400 square foot apartment. "We are way better than all those other cities" you snort, as you blow your snot into your Justin Fields jersey.

Oh, okay, you are saying the best parts of your city are better, but the worst parts of your city are worse, than alternatives? Sounds like my ex. Pro tip bud, no one sticks with rollercoasters for long. No matter how well they take your onlyfans photos for you to post.

Chicago is a cold, traffic and crime filled dump. It just also happens to have great food, beautiful architecture, and plenty to do (almost) year round. And they have a top 5 jersey combo in the league, period. If you wanted your wedding party to only wear bears gear, it would still be classy as fuck.

That said, if you are ever stuck in a conversation with a bears fan on a December flight out of Chicago and desperately want to waste the remaining 5 hours you have before you land at some place that isn't ass cold, ask them "which is better: justin fields to quarterbacks, or the Chicago lake michigan connection to beaches?"

Chicagoans aren't good with open ended questions, so that will take them a while where you can just doze off. Spoiler: the answer is that they both suck

17) Minnesota Vikings

Look man, don't be mad at me. Chicago is the 74th happiest city, Minneapolis is 17th. Be mad at your fellow Chicagoans for being unhappy. AND minny is cheaper. Still, this was a tight decision. The Vikings uniforms, while being unique at least, leave much to be desired given the abundance of source material they have to work with (vikings / norse ). Beer is only $0.80 cheaper at a Vikes game than a bears game. It's just as cold, maybe colder, and definitely isn't as cultural as Chicago. But, you have abundant access to nature, something Chicago lacks, and Chicago households pay the highest % of their income to state and local taxes in the nation. You know who doesn't? Minny.

16) Las Vegas Raiders

The 4th most expensive stadium beer, in the city of sin, is just straight up unacceptable. I mean like i get your owner is broke but cmon. Speaking of broke, Vegas must be a terrible place to live if you can't afford all of the attractions. But, absolutely top tier place to visit. Vegas was hard to rank. Just like the casinos, it has its flash: the uniforms, the gambling, the partying. But it's also hotter than Zach Wilson on MilfHunter.com , lower on the happiest cities list than reknown bangers like Fort Wayne, Indiana, Wichita Kansas, and El Paso, and once the house wins and takes your money, you might have to resort to crime just to make ends meet. Which, naturally, means you'll fit in right at home with other Raiders fans.

15) New England Patriots

People from Boston are ironic. They hate how entitled and blind Yankee fans, Laker fans, and Cowboys fans are, yet they are the same exact way about their city. Boston is cool and all, and it's got a decent amount going for it. But it's also not that great. You absolutely do not deserve to be top 10. And yes i know that's what you were thinking. But you ARE top 10 in most expensive cities in the US.

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Pretty Dang Decent Destinations:

14th) LA Rams

These next 3 locations are all essentially tied from a city standpoint. Each city has a lot of good things going for them, but just a few negatives that can make or break it based on personal preference. Thus, since I dont care to make personal preferences for all of you, I will be ranking them purely on jerseys and beer prices. Easy does it.

Rams have maybe the worst jerseys in the league. At least they dont have maroon or brown, and at least they haven't tried to do an all black version to copy my beautiful Ravens all-blacks, but still, gottdayum. How do you ruin an iconic look like that? And then you add in the second most expensive beers in the league??? GTFO

13th) LA Chargers

Consider this an official petition to have their new nickname be Cinderella. Think about it: the adopted stepchild who nobody in the house likes, who is forced to clean after their siblings (rams), yet is younger and more beautiful (jerseys). In this analogy, the debt of the Spanos family might be your fairy godmother, freeing you of your ownership family burdens and turning you into a glittering belle of the ball who is chased by, and won by, prince charming (Austin / San Marcos anyone?)

12th) Houston Texans

8th cheapest beer, and no matter what anyone drones on about 'generic' or 'boring' or blah blah blah, you do a better job with the red white navy combo in your jerseys than the Patriots or Titans. Definitely not as sexy of a city as LA, but just as good food and culture while being wayyyyyyyyyy cheaper. Houston is the fat chick who drinks with the boys, loves sports, and is genuinely fun to hang out with. Doesn't that sound better than the stuck up bitch who hates your friends but looks like a model (la)?

Sorry, bad analogy. I forgot which sub this was. The correct answer is not "Either of them. Or anyone really. God im so lonely"

11th) Tampa Bay Bucs

I'll be honest. I dont know anything about Tampa. They are the 31st happiest city in the US, 32nd in winning % in the NFL, and 28th in all time wins, despite being around since 1976.

Hold up, my bad, this was supposed to be about everything BESIDES actual football play.

Well, pewter is a dope color and dope word, so there's something. And there are some nice beaches in tampa, at least according to google images. Wait, do people go on vacation to Tampa? Maybe Tampa needs to be at like........ 15 ish. idk. Someone from Florida who is actually literate chime in.

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Worth a Visit Vistas:

10th) Dallas Cowboys

This one was tough. "Is he going to rank Arlington instead of Dallas?" the Giants fan chuckles from the basement he rents in Yonkers. No, instead I made the executive decision to count the DFW metroplex, the SF peninsula, and the NYC metroplex as one entity. If Chicago gets docked for the bad parts of town, Dallas can get a boost for the suburbs. Honestly, the city slogan for Dallas should be "almost". There's almost anything you could want in a major city in Dallas. Affordable suburbs, easy airport access, tons of restaurants, activities, big concert venues, craft breweries, colleges, etc etc. And yet... there's almost nothing that's truly unique. It has almost as good food options as Houston, LA, NYC or SF, but not quite. It has almost great looking uniforms, but the ass-hats refuse to use matching blues and actually silver pants. It has almost nice weather, but gets too hot in the summer. Almost, almost, almost..... got a play off when they ran a qb sneak with 14 seconds left and no timeouts

Sorry, couldn't resist

9th) Arizona Cardinals

Phoenix is so hot you might die. It's also 112th on happiest cities, though that number is dragged down by the 'community and environment' category ranking. I'm sure that's completely unrelated to it being so hot you might die.

That being said, it has resorts, golf, hiking, and all the other big city perks all within city limits. It's tied for 9th cheapest stadium beer, and white helmets are super underrated. I didn't name this category "you should move there", it's called "worth a visit... to golf, hike, and fight the heat by drinking in your resort pool."

8th) Tennessee Titans

If you don't like live music or bachelorette parties, I completely understand you thinking Nashville should be much further down on the list. The jerseys aren't ideal, beer isn't that cheap, and citizens there aren't incredibly happy. But, if you like live music and bachelorette parties, Broadway is a helluva time. Downtown is walkable with tons of activities and fantastic food. And the Titans logo incorporation of the flag of Tennessee makes Titans gear very easy and cool to wear, if you live there, despite the jerseys shortcomings.

7th) Miami Dolphins

Miami is probably the ultimate 'worth a visit' location. If you want to spend a bunch of money during your vacation, that is. But, I have yet to find anyone who actually wants to live there. Maybe it's kinda like the Dolphins. Sure, you'll flip on a fins game once or twice a year, chuckle when they inevitably beat the Patriots, but it's not like you actually want to become a fins fan. You aren't an idiot. (im just assuming we've lost all of the ohioans this far into the thread).

Miami gets a big boost for their jerseys, which have remained both excellently done and unique. Never change aquagreen, never change.

6th) Denver Broncos

5th cheapest beer in the league. Now we are gettin somewhere, baby!! And, with a few missteps here or there, always some iconic good looking uniforms. (except whatever the fuck the throwback yellow brown striped disasters are, those need to go away, like right now). And as long as you can stand the cold (and a homelessness problem), Denver is a pretty great place to live as well.

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The Magnificent Metros

5th) Carolina Panthers

There are two reasons why Charlotte is ahead of Denver. Clean and Cold. That is - Charlotte is cleaner and it isn't so cold. I actually think the jerseys match up pretty well, both have unique color schemes and do a decent job with them. Food matches up as well, craft beer in Denver vs bbq in carolina. The Panthers having a double digit beer price at the stadium almost made me drop them down, but downtown Charlotte is just so clean, with fairly moderate weather. Denver in April has cold enough winds to freeze your tits off. Which for some of you fatties sounds like a good weight loss program, but trust me, it isn't. Denver definitely has an edge on fun things to do near the city, but that's not what this list is about, is it? Go ahead, all 25 panthers fans on this sub, pump your fist and enjoy your victory. You finally beat Denver where it matters most.

4th) San Francisco 49ers

Just like the Santa Clara Niners, we are moving down to the peninsula, because the actual city of San Francisco is a disaster. Yea, the peninsula is crazy expensive, but it's because it's a great place to live. Great food, great weather, tons of culture, fairly easy access to beaches, forests, and snow covered mountains alike. There is a reason San Jose is the 2nd happiest city in the USA. (San Jose is basically the same place as Santa Clara). Plus, the gold helmets might be the best in the entire league.

Tied for 2nd) New York Giants and New York Jets

I will admit that it's possible they shouldn't have tied. I don't know enough about the intricacies of which boroughs mainly support which team, so I'm giving NYC to both of them. Is that fair? Idk. But this is the 2nd best thing to happen to the Jets since like, idk 1970 so we'll keep it. NYC is way more fun if you are really rich, but even poor people want to live there. The culture and activities are so good that people will put up with frozen winters, $18 bagels, and $26 well cocktails just to be there.

Speaking of the cost of drinks, I finally figured out why the jets fans pack the stadium despite being let down more than the average r/nfl member's mother. Beer at a Jets game is the cheapest in the league. Can you believe that??? When you pay double digits for booze anywhere else in the entire city, but only 6 bucks for a beer at a jets game, half the city wants to be there! That beer price, compared to the NY Giants at 11 bucks a pop, is what brought this into a tie. Because despite the Jets having some amazing jersey sets, they've also experimented with some terrible jersey sets, whereas the Giants have remained clean and classic.

1st) Seattle Seahawks

Seattle is the 11th happiest city in the US, and 8th most expensive, for a reason. It's a great place. Great food, great culture, great nature, great weather (if you need lots of sun to not be depressed then i suggest you do things like eat healthier, workout, and stop stalking the person who dumped you on the internet). While some find the neon green obnoxious, the navy green color combo is unique and very on brand for the city, and the incorporation of northwest native american imagery is well done. Maybe not the best at any singular thing, Seattle is the complete package.