"I am just a kid" is something i have always told to people and society most of my life. Unbearable amount of me trying to explain to people that i am permanently just a child trapped in an adult body and devastatingly the amount of people never understanding or try to understand it and kept insisting me that i am adult and must do adult responsibilities are killing me.

Me being a child 24/7 is just the core of who i am it is breaking my heart that no one seems to understand or reasonate with me or even supporting me. Even those who seem like they do, at the end of the day still insist on me to be strong and do my "adult responsibilities". I don't wanna be strong. I have been strong for far too long. I like being fragile. I like being pure. I like being sensitive. I like being a kid. I like being myself. And if all of that are wrong, then maybe i do not belong to this cruel society.

For my whole life i have been talking and explaining till white foam came out of my mouth of how i am just a kid. I have tried looking for the perfect words, concise words, effective ways to explain myself. Even all bio i have in all my social media written "i am just a kid" because i am that desperate for people to see, notice and understand this whole part of me. And sadly maybe no one will ever understand it? Except people here. I hope you guys understand this.

From as long as i can remember, I have always wanted to have a parent more than I wanted to be alive. I wanted to be loved by a parent, an older or wiser figure that can take care of me, more than I wanted to be alive.

I’ve always needed a caregiver, a parent. I’ve always felt like a child, never identifying as an adult. My core needs were ripped away from me when I was a child, and I’ve been yearning for a parental figure ever since. I want to be coddled, held tight, and taken care of. I want to be treated like a kid, with unlimited affection and attention. I don’t want to be an adult anymore; I want someone to take on those responsibilities for me and tell me I don’t have to worry about anything anymore because they’ll take care of it.

I've always desired a parental figure who can take care of me, protect me, make me feel safe and happy, provide routine, tasks and stucture, provide rules and punishment, accept me without judgment for my likes and personality, and will still love me no matter what happens, no matter what i do, no matter who i become, and no matter what mistake i make.

But I’ve been told that what I want is wrong, that it sounds like I want to be completely dependent on someone else for everything. But it’s not like that at all. I need to be guided and taken care of but not relying or depending on someone else 100%. I’ve always had this need for a parent/caregiver, and it’s not something I can simply ignore. My childhood was ripped apart from the very beginning, and I’ve always desired a parental figure who can provide structure, safety, and acceptance without judgment.

When i am going through a really hard time and can't control myself and want to run away, i will dissociated to other parts of me similar to an "alter" (they are not exactly alter but i don't know what else to call them for now), i have 3 "alters", one of them is 9 years old, one of them is either toddler or below toddler (they are nonverbal), one of them is 15. Things get deeply rough for them when they came out and not having a parent or caregiver or even a friend to talk to them or spend time with them or fill the emptyness in their heart. And it is killing me that these parts of me are very hurt and this is why i do not let them out often because i can not bear seeing them being hurt and lonely for much more since no one is capable to be around for them most times not even my partner.

Between the constant abuse at home, dealing with my mental and physical illnesses, and being completely isolated with no one to turn to for support in Indonesia, I’m exhausted. I’m deeply hurt, frustrated, lacking and unhappy that no one can fill the role of a parent for me.

Is this something that anyone can relate to in this subreddit?