Hi everyone. I've never posted here and I have to start by saying I'm not sure I have ADHD, ASD, or something else. Whatever is going on, I'm not realizing as an adult for the first time that I'm definitely not neurotypical and it's significantly affected my entire life.

I grew up in a family that essentially gaslit and invalidated any mental health issues. For example, when I went to my parents in my late teenage years and said that I was severely depressed, I was told (by my mother who also has depression) that I wasn't. I was told that I wasn't feeling things that I was. And I was raised to believe that codependency was love/caring, so I was basically taught that it was my responsibility to mask all symptoms of anything problematic in myself and to just work harder at being "normal" and "happy." When I told my mom I thought I might have ADHD and was looking into it, her response: "I don't understand why you guys always have to "have" something." I was repeatedly told that I was lazy growing up, was punished if I came home with a grade as low as an A- (because I was "capable of more"), etc.

So, I'm 41 and until a few years ago, was coping well enough that I hadn't completely broken down (although in hindsight, I was far from doing well). I was working on my PhD when my parents went through a very messy divorce and everything fell apart. Since then, my stuff and ignore coping strategies that I learned in youth have been unsuccessful, and my ability to perform at the levels I used to has just plummeted. I've been in therapy a few years and have been making progress there, but the question of ADHD/ASD/something else is one that I obviously can't address with a therapist alone. My therapist suggested trying to pursue a diagnosis, but I was on medicaid and it wasn't covered, so doing a formal ADHD assessment was completely out of my price range. Instead I paid out of pocket for a verbal assessment with a prescriber (still very expensive) who dismissed the idea that I could have ADHD because I "read books as a child," and told me I probably had ASD and that I should go home and google it because sometimes having community helped people. (semi-related: she also tried to diagnose me with BPD after an hour-long discussion - which my therapist was PISSED about. My therapist was like, that is completely wrong and completely unprofessional).

Anyway, I guess that's the long version of saying I've struggled to find anyone who I can afford to see who will take diagnosing me seriously. When you don't have financial means, and you're an adult woman who has successfully masked symptoms and/or developed (somewhat maladaptive) coping strategies to help you get this far, how do you go about getting a diagnosis? How will I find someone who will take me seriously? I'm also fat, so I know that this colors some providers' perceptions of me as well. I'm so frustrated, I don't even know where to start and I'm so discouraged having spent so much money to go see someone who was completely unprofessional and seemingly didn't take anything I said seriously. Help? Ideas? Experiences? I'm so despondent about the whole thing - any support/assistance would be greatly appreciated.