I unfortunately don‘t have too much advice here (edit: says this, then goes on to write out several paragraphs meant to advise lol), but want to show my support. I know how you feel.

For me, a big thing was working on accepting my quirks and trying to work through the shame I feel and felt my whole life. I find that if I put myself under pressure to mask a certain symptom, I am more judgmental towards people who don‘t seem to do that.

At the same time I have to honour the fact that my neurodivergence makes my capacity for stimuli smaller. I think the most respectful way of dealing with that is communicating it clearly and gently. E.g., telling my one adhd friend that I am very overstimulated and that I‘d appreciate them trying to speak more quietly or interrupt me less and that if that‘s not a possibility at the moment, I‘d have to take a few minutes to myself to regulate.

It seems paradoxical, being more sensitive to the traits we ourselves exhibit. Nonetheless, this is part and parcel of what being nd can look like. I also teach a bunch of neurodivergent students and have seen situations in class that felt like pinball. One autistic student would stim vocally, this would in turn agitate another autistic student, at the same time taking a student with adhd out of their hyperfocus, making them more distracted, their behaviours in turn overwhelming the first autistic student, making them stim more noticably, etc etc. You can imagine how that goes haha long story short: Finding a balance between unmasking and at the same time fostering a good environment for, especially other neurodivergent people, is hard. Communication goes a long way and I find that the better I take care of myself (enough sleep, bringing earplugs, working out, etc.), the bigger my capacity for dealing with the behaviours of others and regulating myself.

If all else fails, there is also no shame in finding a comfortable level of distance between yourself and people who trigger you, nd or nt.