I went to a neurodivergent mixer yesterday. I found people to talk to, which was fun. But I didn't find anyone I was attracted to, and that left me feeling sad. I still had a good time, but the emptiness still weighs me down.

I always carry that void in me. A void that can't be filled by friends or hobbies. I can clean my house, get some writing/reading done, see friends or family, and these things will feel good. But I'll still lack that person in my life, and it'll hurt, even when I'm not actively thinking about it. It feels like I'm undergoing permanent withdrawal from a drug. It feels like someone special in my life died, taking part of me with them, yet I can't even remember their name. Sometimes I feel like I'm living on autopilot, waiting to join them in the grave.

Of course I'll probably go to another of those mixers. But I can't imagine I'll find anyone there, outside of friends. It's just not happening for me.