This morning I came to the conclusion that I probably need to stop visiting the grocery store. Which probably isn't healthy given how rarely I leave my house these days (I work from home and have few if any friends), but I have my reasons.

In the first place, I have Celiac Disease and IBS. As such, buying food sucks. I can get the ingredients for meals without too much issue, but snacks are nearly impossible to shop for. Like, I just found this brand of buckwheat cereal I liked that agreed with me...and now it's gone. Or at least it's gone from my local Giant. Which sucks, because oatmeal doesn't always agree with me (plus I don't like oatmeal very much), and while I do have a waffle iron, waffles are time-consuming. Not to mention how expensive eggs are, which is why I'd prefer to bake with NeatEgg or something, but that isn't sold at my store either. So unless I feel like going to multiple stores (many of which are 15-30 minutes away from where I live) I end up working too hard while cooking and run out of food too quickly.

My second problem is that I end up putting grocery shopping off until the last minute. I used to be good about shopping and keeping food stocked, but as my dietary needs have changed, everything has fallen apart. I used to cook while working from home, but these days I'm so dysfunctional I either don't have the focus to do that, or (more commonly) I don't have ingredients to cook with in the first place. I need some kind of regular delivery cycle so I can stop running out of food. I could sign back up for pre-made meals (I've done that before), but I can't live off those meals. They're too expensive, and honestly not all that filling (not to mention BPA exposure).

The third reason I want to stop visiting the grocery store is because I need to stop drinking. I'm lonely, depressed, and bad at staying focused on things I need or even want to do, and lately that's translated to increased drinking. I don't day-drink, and it's not like I drink every night. But when I do drink, it's to get drunk (and to fill the void left by not smoking weed). I can wake up, tell myself I won't drink, and then end up buying booze anyway for whatever reason. Sometimes it's just to make life more bearable, like when I was taking a walk yesterday and made myself sad thinking about how alone I am and how I can't change anything. Which is obviously a different conversation, but my point is that if I see booze I'll drink it, so clearly I need to stop seeing booze. If I buy enough good food at least I'll be depressed and well-fed.

I recognize the downsides of this idea. Deliveries are expensive and create lots of plastic waste. I'm also alone a lot, and not going to the store means seeing even fewer people. But it's not like I was talking to people at the grocery store either, and I always feel like the cashiers are judging me (which is irrational, but it's not like anyone there knows my name and asks how I'm doing anyway, so I wouldn't be missed). Ultimately, I think I need to compromise on some of my values and bleed a bit more money to keep from going hungry and drinking until I brown out for an hour or two at least one night a week. I don't know how else to keep living like this.