It’s funny, isn’t it? How you can be in a relationship but still feel completely alone. I’ve spent way too much time feeling neglected, like my needs are some sort of afterthought. I’m 31 now, and while I’ve learned to turn that neglect into creative outlets and self-discovery, it still leaves this emptiness. A hollow feeling that even my art, my games, and my little moments of joy can’t always fill. I’ve always been the kind of woman who loves to explore different passions—whether it’s painting, reading, or diving into another video game—but there’s something about being with someone who gets it, who sees you, that makes all the difference.

I didn’t date growing up—was a late bloomer, I guess. My first real kiss, my first relationship, even holding hands with someone didn’t happen until I was 21. I wanted to explore and be naughty, like really indulge in it, but I didn’t know how to ask for it back then. My first real relationship? Let’s just say it was a lesson in what not to do. I told him I was okay with honesty, I asked for transparency—hell, I even said I was fine if he wanted to be with other people. All I wanted was for him to be real with me. But no, he lied straight to my face, like I wouldn’t see through it eventually.

I found out he was cheating the whole time. And ever since, I’ve been left with this feeling like I’m too much for most people—too open, too raw, too in need of someone who can give me the same kind of energy I’m willing to offer. Every time I think I’ve found something, they ghost. They say what I’m looking for doesn’t exist. But I refuse to believe that. All I want is someone who can meet me where I am. I don’t need perfection—just honesty and connection.

When I’m not lost in thought or daydreaming about what a real connection could feel like, I’m usually playing games. Lately, I’ve been really into BlackOps 6 and Cult of the Lamb, but it’d be a lot more fun if I had someone to team up with for multiplayer on Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Evil Dead. It gets a little lonely playing solo. Maybe I’ll pick up NBA 2K soon too—some friends are trying to get me into that.

So here I am, filling the gaps of neglect with my art, my games, my weird little passions. I’m the type who loves deep conversations but also knows how to have fun and tease when the moment’s right. But I won’t lie—it’s hard sometimes, craving that deeper connection, feeling like it’s always just out of reach. I wonder if there’s someone out there who understands that. Someone who knows what it feels like to be seen but not really seen. I guess we’ll see.