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America, you have given me so much; it’s time for me to give back. Today I am announcing my candidacy for what could potentially be a beautiful affair between two consenting adults in the Chicago area who share a common belief in the importance of belly laughs and orally induced orgasms.
Make no mistake, America. The time has come. We deserve this. For too long we have suffered under the draconian bylaws of the outmoded institution of traditional marriage. This is our opportunity to form a positive, meaningful connection that provides us both with some basic necessities of life: friendship, empathy, laughs, good vibes, great sex, and shared confusion about memes.
What I bring to the table as a candidate:
-Verticality! (I’m 6’ 2”)
Intellect (I read! And think! A lot!)
Friendliness (I like people)
Curiosity (I love to learn about almost everything [except video games])
Understanding (I want to know what you’re going through)
Corporeal Pleasures (I’m very sexual and super into pleasing)
Armchair Psychology (Let me diagnose you and solve all your problems just like Dr. Phil)
Etc! There’s more! I promise!
We are living in difficult times! Let’s support each other.
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- 2 days ago
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