I (19F) am living in another country and life has been great away from my nmom and abusive dad. Next year I am going to the US for college and due to visa inconveniences, I will probably stay there for 4 years. Then it hit me, that's probably it. I might never see them again. And as great being away from them has been, this realization was not-so-great. So I thought that I should go back during the summer break to see them before being on the other side of the world.

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I texted my mother asking her to call the embassy in my country to ask if they are issuing Visas. I really really thought she would be happy because I am thinking about going back, even though it might hurt my chances at getting a Visa. I mean, no matter how narcissistic a mother can be, if her child is going to a foreign country for at least 4 years she must want to see them before, right? Huh, silly me.

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Out of nowhere, she answered, "and why do you want to come, you want to see your friend X at the mall?"

How can you turn this against me? Out of absolutely nowhere?

Then I did not answer because I did not want to say sth stupid and when I came back she has called me a thousand times and tried to make me feel guilty with shit like "It is fine if you hate me I also hated my mother when I was your age may she rest in peace", then with "Oh I just don't you to come because it is harder to get a Visa here"

Oh really?

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OH REALLY?

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You know what? I am an idiot.

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I remember when she goes to work, me and my brother would prepare ourselves for her tantrum because whenever she comes back she finds sth to pick up on. We once literally tried to make everything in the home perfectly neat and tidy and she just found sth to freak out about. I was 14 and my brother was fucking 10.

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I remember how she says if we do not turn out believing in her religion, then there is no purpose in upbringing us.

I remember she told me she would chop my head off if I lose my virginity before marriage.

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And I still cannot fully say I hate her because I really want things to be good between us. And it really hurts to even think of going NC with her, but one day I hope it won't.