Just to preface this. I'm not a diagnosed narcissist. However, the most recent relationship that I had, helped me understand myself more, and made, my NPD traits, that either weren't there, or they were, but only in a baby form, come alive.

I live a very isolated life. I'm in my mid 20's, but I haven't had a job yet, a relationship (I had a few online ones). I'm depressed, sucked out of life person. I think I'm only alive, because I live, a very free of responsibilities life, and maybe because I'm a coward to kill myself. I get, and seek out dopamine remotely, or in a comfort of my room (porn, unhealthy food, video games, movies, tiktok, etc).

I had a very unstable, shitty life. Both inside, and outside my home. But in my opinion, the biggest thing that fucked me up most, was, relentless, never ending, bullying by my peers, during my teenage years. I wanted for them to like me, and accept me, but whatever mask that I put on for them, it's like they saw through it.

Thinking back to it. I had a lot of narcissistic traits. I was very self-centered, projecting, envious, full of shame person. I had daydreams, and would have year lasting phases, of me thinking that I can be great, or the next best thing in something (usually it would be sports). I'd be relentlessly watching motivation videos, videos about things, that I thought I could be great at, but I wasn't doing anything, other than watching videos, or researching something about my interest. I wasn't going to the gym, or doing ANY sports. Before my teenage years, I used to spent a lot of time outside, playing football, basketball, either with other kids, or by myself. I always think back to those times. I really liked doing that. But after bullying, I started becoming more isolated.

Throughout my life. I was subject to a lot of, repeated trauma. I only told you about the bullying by the peers. But I also had a very shitty home life. I only was able to cope with life by avoiding. Not going outside, dropping out of school, not interacting with people, submerging myself into a virtual world. And I was also lucky, that my caregivers allowed me to do that. Even though they were shit. But maybe it's their shitness, that made them ok with me just pretty much checking out of life.

I think all the trauma, little by little, eventually molded me into something that maybe naturally I'm not, and just killed me off as a person, even if I was a narcissistic person, to even begin with, I was still person, and I was having at least some life experiences. And right now, I don't even know what I am anymore, I'm truly nothing, I'm just an oxygen breathing machine, who eats, shits and sleeps.

Everything that I said maybe paints a pretty bleak picture for me. But I'm so craving of identity, that I'd be very grateful to even think of myself, right now, as a narcissistic person.

So yeah. My theory is, that maybe, constant, repeated narcissistic collapses (or maybe it would be more right to call it trauma to a narcissist?) can wipe the narcisstic person, and then he can resemble a very empty, depressed person, like maybe not even an actual person anymore?

It is theorized that narcissism is essential for narcissistic people to survive. And I read about narcissistic collapses making people commit suicides. But maybe there's people like me. We are all human essentially, we can find the ways to keep us going. I do that by having no responsibilities, and maxing out on a dopamine every day. So maybe there's something that could be called an empty narcissist? A narcissist that otherwise would have committed suicide, but found an alternative way to survive. But at the cost of narcissism.