Tonight I’m at work, got a call from a first responder friend in my home area, said he just cleared the call for my fiancé trying to kill herself by taking a bottle of trazodone. Thankfully she was on the phone with a friend and that friend talked her into calling 911. She’ll be ok. Probably going to hate life for a while in the ER when that pump fires up…

I’ve lost track of how many times she’s voluntarily went in-patient at a mental health hospital in the last year. I’m thinking 4-5 times. She’s always had a enough of a grip on reality to be able to tell when to say “I need help” and we drop everything to make it happen. In the last 90 days or so she gotten much worse with seeing “shadows” and hearing things that aren’t real. She’s confirmed borderline personality disorder, PTSD, severe depression, bi-polar, and maybe something else i can’t remember. Some of this stems from a cruel and unsupportive mother, a father & step-father that both bailed on her when she came out as bi when younger, and working through COVID in the ICU did wonders for her…

When we first got together a few years ago she was a workaholic ICU nurse tech and enrolled in the RN program. Now were to the point of her fighting for disability. Even got her a legit service dog that helps her a lot (unless its storming outside then were fucked, its terrified of storms). I’ve held down the fort as they say for over a year as the only income and while trying to be the most supportive and awesome fiancé I can be. Somehow keeping our lives mostly normal and my kids from figuring out too much (elementary age).

We’ve been good but recently had a talk about me feeling like she might be happier with someone else and I explained how I just want her to be as happy as she can be and I feel like I may be holding her back from that. I’m much older (early 20s vs late 30s), we’re in different places in our lives, want different things, she’s all about going to the pride festivals and telling everyone she’s trans and I literally want nobody to even know that I’m bi (family knows all, more so work related on my end). She took the conversation very well and appreciated my concerns. We talked about it several more times, even her asking if maybe a poly relationship might be better, we talked openly and at no time was there any anger or sadness. Hell we even has great sex this afternoon before I left for work!…

Every time she’s gotten to the point of saying “I need help” there’s been a build up. She’s been doing great almost all week until this morning when her Mom told her that every time she calls her or her grandmother needing someone to talk to because she’s feeling down, that it bothers THEM and makes it so THEY can’t sleep because they’re worried about her. Also told her some BS about how the little old ladies at her grandma’s church she goes to love her regardless of her “lifestyle choices”. Then proceeded to chew her out for saying “Fuck” on a facebook post because its not very “ladylike” and “nobody will take her serious”. I’m about to tell her mom to go fuck herself…

I’m getting to the point that I’m terrified either the kids or I are going to come home to a corpse. I deal with suicide with my job, I’m a first responder, I’ve already NARCAN’d enough people this year and brought a few back from the brink, I don’t need that worry in my home. I need my castle to be our sanctuary.

I’ve held my head high and her hand firmly through all of this so far. From being outed because of things she’s said to others that connected the dots, to the health issues, all the mental health stuff so far, I’ve been strong. A 6’5” 300lb beast of strength and teddy bear care.

But I’m afraid I may be reaching MY breaking point… At what point can someone say enough is enough? I don’t want to hurt her, I want to help her get better so she can be happy some how. I do love her, she’s a good person, but as a spouse I don’t know how much more I can handle. I just lost my father in May and still coping with that too…