Last saturday, I had landed in hot water for pronouncing a malay word wrong, in this case, the word "kontraktor". I pronounced it like english, and that somehow made him very mad. Then he went on and on about how we, as Chinese, should speak like Chinese people speak English. The immediate thought I had was "Oh boy cant wait to speak like a fucking retard, if singaporean films are anything to go by." So I argued with my dad on and on about it, until I was tired of it and say "Maybe letting me watch TV from a young age was a mistake". That caused him to jump up and say the following "Maybe we should've let you out for adoption!", and I was furious. I stood up for myself and say that is it wrong for me to do what I wanted, and he thought that letting me watch TV was the equivalent to letting america brainwash me. I said something about "so you never respected me?" in which he only replied "What about me?! Do you have any idea what I had to go through everyday?!"

Wow, so I should not be respected at all! Goddamn, don't I feel good knowing that all this time what little respect I had was not supposed to happen!

It's like everything I do only serves to be criticized and not be praised. It has been going for so long that I cant even tell if the praise was meant for me, and even if it was meant for me, I can't tell if its a patronizing one like "Wow congratulations for having a fucking brain", instead of "Wow I'm so proud of you! Thank you for your hard work!" I just want to feel worthwhile, that I am not an active hindrance just by existing, and now all I had going for is "not having an active bounty on my head" for reasons to keep living.

I just want to be told that I'm worth someone else's time, and someone else's space. But I guess that is not supposed to happen.