Western society is sex-obsessed.

So how come we never seem to put emphasis on the important things?

There’s endless ways to be intimate, yet we have a fixation on a very, basic, close-minded approach. The problem is that once you feel there's only one way to do things...well, you’ve already lost. Putting too much anticipation on the end result (an orgasm) changes the focus from the journey to the outcome and your partner can feel when you’re not in the moment.

But almost every person I know has a feeling of expectation during sex.

‘Am I doing this right?’
‘Is this weird?’
‘What if she doesn’t actually like this…?”

You’ve had these thoughts. So have I.

Imagine being able to operate under the assumption that everything was okay. That you’ve laid all your cards on the table & ain’t afraid to just be yourself in the bedroom? When you give yourself permission to put the focus on just having a fun connection, you free yourself from expectations of anything else. It’s a big ask, I get that. We all have years of built-up shame and internalized discomfort around the most basic human experiences...
So how do you heal it?

1. Everyone is responsible for their own pleasure.

You’re not your partner's dildo. So ask for what you want.

When you love your partner, your desire becomes their desire. Your enthusiasm becomes their enthusiasm. It’s so important to be able to talk about how you like to be touched, how you don’t, new things you want to try, all that excitingly private stuff. I think this is something both men AND women struggle with because it’s hard to tell our partners that they’re not perfect sex-gods. But honestly, with a strong emphasis on communication, you can get pretty close.

2. Before entering a sexual act, connect with your body and mind to see how you’re feeling.

If you’re having a down day, you can communicate this to a partner and make it a more low-key session.

Why fuck when you’re in the mood to snugglefuck? Remember, no one is a mind reader. We can all get our needs met more effectively with just a little bit of honesty, and that means with yourself too.

When I finally empowered myself to be the most organic and genuine I could, I gained permission to cry, laugh, moan, yell, just express myself at my most basic level during sex. Intimacy comes in as many types as there are emotions: even anger and domination. (though in this case excessive communication is necessary beforehand and very clear boundaries need to be made).

3. Start with the energy and boundaries of the lowest ask.

By this I mean if you want to cuddle and she wants penetration, try to start with cozying up and see where the mood takes you. Involve yourself in the ways that respect your desires, but be open to those changing. See where the movement of your personal energies want to go. Sometimes partners can have mismatched libidos (and men getting horny more often than women is pretty much a cliche), so this is a great way to still make sure you’re connecting regularly.

That's all for now! Over the coming weeks I’m going to start posting more frequently since Reddit has been super receptive so far :D

P.S. I feel like I could write about this stuff forever and still leave some questions unanswered, so don’t be afraid to leave a comment or PM me.