Long story short, she was my first girlfriend ever and we started dating when I was 16, she 15. At the time, I failed to break up with her many times through out our relationship and instead I was naive, and made poor decisions through out it. I ended up cheating on her and gaslighting her for years about it. We broke up 4 year into our relationship because she couldn’t take the doubt in her heart anymore. We didn’t have a good break up either.

Anyways, we’ve been broken up for about 5 years now, and haven’t said a word to each other since we last broke contact. I honestly did every well at keeping her off my mind once the breakup sadness had gone away. I got rid of everything she ever gave me. I reflected on y actions and came to the conclusion that I didn’t love her, or at least I didn’t know how to love her properly and I made my peace with that, or so I thought.

This past year or so I can’t help but notice how often she’s been on my mind. Started off with reflections of my choices and how it affected her, but over time I find her more and more in my passing thoughts. It’s always wanting to apologize for wronging her back then and not owning up to it. I know we all dream every night, I’m the kind that will remember about 10 dreams a year if I’m lucky. She’s been in two of those this year. And even in my dreams I’m trying to reach out and apologize to her.

Here’s the thing. I got married in those 6 years since, and so did she. Now, my wife knows about this down to every minute detail of my past relationship. Yet, I’ve never shown interest in trying to apologize to my ex for what I did, so I’d be weird if I did now. I wish I knew why now, all the sudden after all these years I’m feeling the immense guilt I should have felt back then.

In an ideal world I would reach out and free myself of this guilt, my wife has no issue with it and we all go on living our life a little more peaceful. But I know that’s not how it works. I would be selfish to ask for forgiveness simply to free myself from the guilt. It wouldn’t be fair to my wife (unless she’s okay with it) and it wouldn’t be fair to open healed wounds for my ex. I’ve talked to close friends about it, but it’s like the only thing that could ever free me from this is my ex herself.